The Limits of Punishment
Punishment should be used only to enforce major violations of rules, not to correct continuing irritations (such as not picking up clothes, leaving the refrigerator door open, playing music too loud) or minor infractions (such as not doing chores, continuing to talk on the phone after hours, not doing homework). These more minor instances of misbehavior should not be dealt with by punishment since they are guidance and supervisory issues.
Lying, sneaking out, hitting another person, stealing, driving under the influence of substances, skipping school — these are the kinds of choices that constitute major violations that may require punishment as a corrective.
Defeating the Purpose
Although not a part of instruction, as a correction, punishment is still meant to reform misbehavior: “Don't do that again.” It should never be used, however, as an excuse to do a child harm. It should not be used to inflict physical or emotional injury. Use punishment for giving hurt, and its corrective power becomes corrupted. The good intended is ignored for the bad received. “What I learned is that when I do wrong, my dad thinks he has the right to beat up on me!”
Parents who use sarcasm to embarrass, who use humiliation to shame, who use criticism to devalue, who use temper to intimidate, who use suffering to arouse guilt, or who use anger to inflict bodily harm are not only destructive, but they are self-defeating as well. Any corrective benefit is far outweighed by the cost of compliance.
Abusive parents care about only the obedience they are getting and the frustration or anger they are expressing. They do not care about the injury they are doing or the love they are losing. For punishment to be corrective, it needs to be rationally thought out, not emotionally driven.
Parents are most at risk of losing control of themselves when they feel they are powerless to affect their child. In reality, no parent is 100 percent without influence, because no child is 100 percent uncooperative. Parents always have some platform of positive influence to build on because the child is always doing some things they want and is not always doing some things they don't want.
ALERT!
When it comes to punishment, knowing what not to do is as important as knowing what to do. Don't punish to get back at your child, to get even with your child, to make your child feel bad, to show your child who's boss, to relieve your frustration, or to satisfy your anger.
Physical Punishment
Although many parents would deny it, physical punishment is given more often for the parent's sake (to relieve frustration or take out anger) than it is given for the child's sake (to discourage repetition of misbehavior). In general, physical punishment such as poking, pinching, squeezing, spanking, swatting, popping, slapping, and belting proves only four things to the child: “You are bigger. You are stronger. You are entitled to be violent. And when I'm a grownup, I will be entitled to act the same way.”
The means (the physical hurt), not the end (learning not to repeat the offense), becomes the major message. “All I learned is that because he is bigger and stronger, my dad can slap me around!”
Add up all the arguments for spanking, and together they do not outweigh this one objection against it. Spanking teaches the child that hitting is okay if you are bigger and stronger and cannot get what you want any other way. Spanking teaches hitting.
