Whether you take an absolute or an approachable position, how you communicate the intent of your authority also makes a difference. You can use concern-based communication or control-based communication.

Concern- Versus Control-Based Communication

Concern-based communication makes it clear that the parent is focused primarily on the child's welfare and well-being. You are saying, “Concern for you is my motivation. I don't want you to go to this event because of the risks involved. I'll tell you what they are as I see them. We can discuss them if you want. As your parent, I don't want to send you into a situation with a high likelihood of your getting hurt.” You focus on expressing how much you care for the child's well-being.

Control-based communication suggests, however, that the parent is focused primarily on regulating the child's life. You are saying, “Control over you is my motivation. I'll tell you what you can or cannot do. I've decided you can't go to this event. There will be no discussion. You will do what I say. I will get my way.”

Why Showing Concern Works

In general, children often respond better to authority that is communicated more out of concern for the child than control for the adult. Perhaps this is because the concern-based parent seems to be more on the children's side, compared to the control-based parent, who seems to be more against them.

Concern-based communication also allows children to get into a dialogue with parents over the issue of disagreement or the problem to be solved, respecting their ideas, showing interest in what they have to say, even working out a solution or resolution that benefits from ideas the children have to offer. In concern-based communication, children are given some participation in the deliberation. In control-based communication, they are not.

Of course, there are times when control-based communication can be just what the child needs and even wants. For example, if your early adolescent is feeling unable to say no to a gang of friends who are egging each other on to commit some kind of mischief, you may intervene with instructions that seem more controlling to help extricate your child from the peer-pressured situation. “This is what you will do. You are to come directly home from school and not hang out. Any of these friends, one at a time, is welcome to come and play with you over here so long as I am present and our house rules are respected.”

Explaining Your Reasons

Authority demonstrates the dominance of parents and the dependence of the child. This distinction becomes harder for your child to accept as she enters adolescence and begins her journey toward independence, toward finally living on her own terms.

“I should be free to live my own life, to do what I want, not what I'm told!” your 12-year-old exclaims in frustration with your restraints. “You're not the boss of my world! Why do I have to do what you say? Just tell me why!” You may reply, “It's the parent principle. It's part of what mothers and fathers are supposed to do. I may not like it. You may not like it. But it's my job — making rules for you to follow and making them stick.”

Should your child want more discussion, explain how no one, adults included, lives free of authority. Point out how outside of the family (at work and in society) there are more rules and people to enforce them. Your goal is to help your son or daughter learn enough about getting along with your authority at home to be able to work with all the authorities he or she will encounter in the larger world. In the family, exercising authority is part of your responsibility as a parent.