For parents who are fearless and relentless and respectful communicators, guidance provides most of the disciplinary influence they ever need. They are fearless because they do not shy away from talking about anything the child wants to discuss or from pursuing important topics that the child is reluctant to talk about.

They do not tiptoe around uncomfortable topics. They are relentless because they keep after an issue until it is fully addressed or finally resolved. They do not give up when the talking gets tough. And they are respectful because they listen to, and take seriously, whatever the child has to say, encouraging the child to do the same with them. They do not tune the child out or interrupt when they do not agree.

Advice That Sticks

Most parental persuasion does not come from arguing with your child, winning the argument, and changing your child's mind. It doesn't come from controlling your child's choice of how to think and what to decide. Your ability to persuade comes from informing the child's choice by offering a piece of advice or a point of view that the child is willing to consider. “Just for your information, this is what I think about what you told me and why. And this is what I think is in your best interests to do about the situation.”

The role of guidance is to offer an additional value reference to the mix of beliefs created by the child's personal views, the child's peers, and the popular culture he encounters every day. A parent's job is not to change the child's mind, but to offer a responsible alternative frame of reference on an ongoing basis.

For example, peers may be telling your child how funny it is to egg the front door of someone they don't like. As parents, you may disagree. “How you think about this is up to you, but just for the record, I see it a different way. I think when people deliberately deface other people's property, they are doing injury to those people and should have to pay for what they do.” Don't argue with the child's opinion, because that will just strengthen the opposition between you. Your input is more powerful than your argument. “You have a right to your opinion. I just want you to know, I don't see it that way.”

Input respects the child's power of choice, and shows him that you respect him, which means he is more apt to listen to and consider what you have to say. Argument creates a power struggle, where winning (or not losing) becomes more important than gaining understanding. You want to influence how your child understands life, not to domineer your child's thinking. Parents can't control the child's choice, but they can inform the child's choice.

Giving Good Information

The most effective parents are not high controllers; they are good informers. Some hallmarks of a good informer are:

• Willingness to offer alternative opinions, while not insisting on being right.

• Willingness to listen openly to opposing opinions, not with your mind shut down because it is already made up.

• Willingness to discuss differing opinions in order to increase mutual understanding, not turning a difference into an argument you feel you have to win.

• Willingness to be educated by what the other person has to say.

Parents don't have to have all the answers. Parents don't have to know what to do about every situation that troubles the child's life. A lot of times the best a parent can offer is, “I'll help you think the problem through, and maybe together we can come up with a solution or plan that will answer your need.”

Ironically, the power of parental persuasion begins by declaring to the child, “What to think and how to act are ultimately up to you.” The power of parent as wise counselor is offering, not ordering. Children who have this parent resource are usually very grateful for it. “I can talk to my mom about anything, and I can always trust her to tell me what she honestly thinks.”