The Power of a Good Talking-To
There's nothing worse for most children than being told at great and explicit length they have done wrong — when they already know they've done wrong and just want to forget it and move on. But the parent is resolved to wear the subject out. “You need to know that whenever you step out of line, I am going to have my say about it as long as I want to talk about it, and you are going to have to listen until I am done. Whatever else trouble gets you, it will always get you a good talking-to from me.”
“Aren't you done lecturing yet?” asks the child who is weary from hearing his parent go on and on about how skipping out of school was wrong and why it shouldn't happen again. “Honey, I'm not even warmed up yet. And another thing I want you to think about is …” This unwelcome guidance will continue until the parent feels that all lessons to be learned from this unhappy episode have been taught.
What does “positive criticism” sound like?
“I don't understand how someone who is usually so reliable could have forgotten to let me know. This isn't like you. You make such responsible decisions most of the time. You usually call me when you are going to be late, and I really appreciate it.”
Lecturing works. A good talking-to is a lecture, and most children hate having their parents “lecture” them on what was done wrong. “I said I was sorry, so you don't need to say any more.” “No,” replies the parent. “One consequence for what you did is hearing me out. I'll let you know when I'm done, and until I am done you will listen to what I have to say.”
What is “good” about a lecture is that it starts negatively but ends positively. Begin by specifically describing the wrong that has occurred, then explain why it is wrong, explain how you feel in response, describe what has to happen differently so your child doesn't make this choice again, and then draw lessons that the child should learn.
Finish with a strong statement of faith that you know your child knows better, and let him or her know that you understand that this violation is an exception and that, in most cases, he or she behaves very well. So you start with “negative criticism” and end with “positive criticism.”
A reversal of the “good talking-to” that is very effective is requiring the errant child to do all the talking — describing what happened, why it happened, and why it won't happen again — for however long it takes the parent to feel the topic has been exhausted. “Can I stop talking about it now?” asks the weary child. “Not until I've heard enough,” replies the parent.
When parents are committed to guidance as their primary disciplinary approach, the three other factors in effective discipline — supervision, punishment, and working the exchange points — are rarely called into play. Declaration and discussion provide discipline enough.
