There are many sources of information in the world out to influence your child's mind, but there are none to compete with you. It's not because you know so much, but because you care so much and your opinion matters so much. You have the child's best interests at heart because you are connected by love to the child, a claim that other sources of information cannot make.

And that child, even in the disaffected teenage years, is by love connected to you. Knowing this, your child credits what you have to share so long as you are willing to speak up and have your say in a caring and respectful way.

The principle of guidance is really pretty simple. If there is something major or minor, good or ill, for certain or suspected, welcome or unwelcome, that you think your child could benefit from knowing, out of concern (not criticism): Tell your child.

Why Children Value Parental Guidance

Children want to know what their parents desire, think, believe, and value in order to have a reference to direct their own behavior. In childhood, the boy or girl often follows his or her parents' guidance in an attempt to be like them and to be liked by them. Similarity to parents not only feels rewarding but is usually rewarded with their approval.

In adolescence, the young person, to some degree, may rebel against their guidance to assert more power by showing his or her opposition. In either case, however, the child is defining himself in relation to what his parents stand for — going along with or against what they value.

Parental guidance is like a compass. It allows children to chart their course based on a sense of direction they can trust. This is why, despite a child's disagreement or an adolescent's rebellion, parents need to keep their guidance coming. Give it up, and children and adolescents will seek the guidance they need elsewhere, from less reliable and loving sources, turning to peers and the popular culture to fill the void. Deprived of this parental compass, children flounder for direction and risk coming to harm, because bad advice from any source feels better than no advice at all.

Never Underestimate a Child's Ignorance

Think about what it's like to be your child. There's so much he or she doesn't know. There is so much ignorance about oneself and the world. All the way through growing up, there are so many unasked questions that need answers. “Where am I going?” “How am I doing?” “What should I believe?” “Which choice should I make?” “Why is this happening?” “When am I going to be told?” “Who can I trust?” “Whose opinion is correct?”

All the way from early childhood to the end of adolescence, it is your job to continually speak to the changing content that these questions seek to reveal. Good parents never shut up, because good children constantly need to be told by a loving, wiser, mature adult how to sort out the perplexities of life, what to believe, and how to behave.

If you are reluctant to discharge this part of your responsibility, just consider the costs if you don't. For example, suppose one night at supper, your middle school child mentions that some kids were caught at school sniffing inhalants in the bathroom. Because you are not comfortable talking about drugs with your child, you just let the comment slide. What a mistake!

Don't you understand that when your child mentions drugs and drug use at home, he or she is already getting lots of information about these subjects from friends? Do you want to weigh in with mature judgment and reliable information, or do you want to leave your child at the mercy of the immature judgment and unreliable information of ignorant peers who are excited by the forbidden? “Sniffing glue can't hurt you,” friends (ignorant of brain damage these chemicals can cause) have assured your adolescent. “Huffing is fun. And it doesn't cost you. You can get off on all kinds of crazy stuff your parents keep around the house.” Good parents never shut up.