By mid-adolescence (ages 13 to 15), your teenager knows that he or she is no longer living in the “age of command” where obedience to parents is unquestioned. Now the young person is living in the “age of consent,” knowing full well that parental “control” depends on his or her willingness to comply.

What a liberating thought! “My parents can't actually make me do anything or stop me from doing anything! It's all up to me!” Far from just being exhilarating, however, this awareness of freedom is also frightening. “What's to stop me from going too far? Who's there to keep me from getting hurt?” The answer is, “Only myself!”

Even at this age of self-acknowledged independence from parental control, your mid-adolescent will sometimes depend on parental prohibition as a protection. If your daughter doesn't want to go along with something her friends have suggested, but doesn't want to risk making a refusal that could damage her social standing, she will appreciate being able to fall back on your rules about what she can and can't do. She may even “blame” you and your rule. “My parents won't let me. They never let me do anything.”

Come adolescence, you want significant prohibitions clearly in place so your child can call on them for protection should the need arise. Prohibitions provide a value reference, a rule to follow, and an excuse your child can use to save face by blaming her parents for her refusal so she doesn't have to take responsibility for refusing herself.

Even if your child is going through a rebellious period, you need to hold fast to your prohibitions, giving your teenager the constant opportunity to sometimes reluctantly (but secretly gratefully) consent to living on your disciplinary terms.