To some degree, your rules are sources of worry for you because many are put in place to keep your child safe from dangers that he or she may not foresee. The parents who are most ridden by worry tend to have the most rules.

“What if I make a wrong decision?” wonders the new parent. Parents make a lot of “wrong” decisions, but most children still come out all right. The challenge of parenting is making a full-faith effort, making mistakes in the process, self-correcting when you can, and learning as you go, developing your parenting one child at a time, because all children are different from each other.

What Is Worry?

What is worry, anyway? Worry is ignorance plus anxious questions plus fearful answers. Worry begins with ignorance: “I don't know why my child isn't home by the time we agreed on.” Ignorance is made threatening by asking an anxious question: “What if my child has gotten into trouble?” Jumping to a fearful answer or conclusion completes the worry: “My child has probably been in a terrible accident!” One formula for worry is:

WORRY = “I DON'T KNOW” + “WHAT IF?” + “JUST SUPPOSE.”

To keep worry down, it helps to accept ignorance or take action to reduce it. “As a parent, there will always be infinitely more I don't know (or control) about my child and my child's life than I can ever know, but when I have a need to know that can be satisfied, I will check it out.”

It also helps to refrain from asking anxious questions. “As a parent, it is easy to wonder for the worst when I don't know; but I can refuse to scare myself on behalf of my child by refusing to create fearful possibilities to consider.” And avoid giving fearful answers to anxious questions. “As a parent, believing I should know enough to protect my child, it is easy to rely on my imagination to reply to questions when there is no factual data on which to rely, but I can choose to let those questions go unanswered.”

What Not to Worry About

To manage worry, it's important to know what not to worry about. Don't worry about what you can't control: “What if my child should contract a fatal disease?” Let go what you can't control and save your energy to invest in dealing with what you can. Don't equate worry with caring: “Well, if I didn't love you, I wouldn't worry about you so!”

Driving yourself crazy with worry on behalf of your child is not an act of love; it is an act of fear. Don't invest worry with magical powers: “If I just worry hard enough about you, you'll be safe.” Worry for superstition's sake provides no real protection. Don't let worry about now create more worries about the distant future: “If my child has this problem today, that means more troubles later on.” Confine your worries to the present.

A Productive Use of Worry

Where parental worry comes in handy is in helping children learn to think ahead, anticipate possible problems, and prepare contingency plans should those problems arise. Young and adolescent children are often focused on getting what they want now: “I just want to be allowed to go to the mall and hang out with my friends!”

It is at this point that the conscientious parent begins to ask worry questions. “If you get separated from your friends, what will you do?” To the impatient 14-year-old, who anticipates only pleasure, this introduction of possible problems just gets in the way. “Oh, stop worrying, nothing bad is going to happen to me, just let me go!”

But the parent is steadfast. “If you want me to consider giving you new freedoms, then you have to be willing to think through with me what risks you will be taking and how you will cope if any of those possibilities actually arise.”

Even though worry can feel bad, it isn't necessarily bad. Even though it can be unrealistic, it can also be realistic. In fact, constructively used, parental worry can help train a child to think ahead, so in that sense, worry can do a lot of good.