Sometimes the exchange between parent and child becomes one-sided in terms of who initiates most interactions in the relationship. For example, parents describe the relationship with their prickly adolescent like this: “We're always waiting to see what she's going to do next. When she comes home from school, is she going to act pleasant or unpleasant, be in a good mood or bad mood, like us or criticize us, do what we ask or refuse? We get so nervous around her, not knowing what to expect. We're the parents, but she's really in charge.”

And the parents are correct. Their daughter has come to control the initiative in their exchange. They allow her actions to keep them constantly on the reactive. Essentially, she dictates the agenda and focus in the relationship. The question these parents continually ask themselves is, “What does she want from us now?” The question they need to start asking themselves is, “What do we want from her now?”

When this kind of imbalance in the exchange with their child takes place, parents can take back the initiative by claiming a more active role in the relationship, making more requests of their own, putting the teenager more on the reactive. So, as soon as your daughter storms in the door from school, instead of waiting to see what she's going to do, greet her with several pieces of family business you need from her. Your actions immediately put her on the reactive for a change.

After arguing (which you most likely predicted), she flees to her bedroom in protest, but there is no getting away. For the next week, whenever you see her, give her something you want her to do, give her feedback on something, or ask her questions about her life. Now more balance in initiative has been re-established.