Sometimes you may become stuck in a negative exchange with your child. There's giving and getting, all right, but you're not happy with the exchange. Lately, whenever you refuse to let your teenager do what he wants, he gets angry, gets in your face, raises his voice, and loudly demands that you change your mind. The question is, why does he act this way? The answer may be the same as the answer to this question: “What does he predict you will do in response?”

If you want to change this exchange, you may choose to react in a different way than what he expects. To do this, first identify what your specific behaviors are when you react to his aggressive challenge to your refusal of his request. Suppose, on reflection, you can name three: you stop talking, you feel your facial expression become tense with fright, and you back away. Maybe you even back off your decision. These behaviors are part of what he predicts will happen — he knows that by getting in your face he can intimidate you. He is getting the response he wants in this exchange.

Now you decide to change your reaction. Next time you refuse a request and he gets in your face angrily and loudly, you choose to act very differently. You smile, you put your hands on his shoulders, you pull him toward you, you kiss him on the cheek, and you start telling him how much you love him when he acts this way. Instead of showing him intimidation, you are giving him affection. And you let your decision stand.

Wow! This is not the response he was predicting or working for. If this is how you're going to act when he gets in your face, maybe he won't get in your face again, because this is not the response he wanted.