A family is a system of interpersonal relationships in which the welfare of the whole depends on contributions by the members. If no one contributed, the family would cease to function, each member simply going his or her own way. Although parents are the major contributors, children must be taught to make significant contributions as well.

If mutuality functions well in your family system, then everyone understands that relationships are supposed to work two ways and not just one. If exchanges (“I do for you, you do for me”) are taken for granted as a natural part of family life, then your child is more likely to accept the principle that to get, he or she has to give. The lesson of mutuality you want to teach your child is that it takes a personal investment to get something from his parents (except, of course, your love and acceptance).

Parents who demand no household membership requirements only increase a child's belief that relationships are supposed to be one-way. Then they get angry with the “selfish” or “inconsiderate” or “unhelpful” child, but that anger is misplaced. They are better off getting angry with themselves for not training their child to be a stakeholder in the family system by becoming a contributing member. Ultimately, it is the child who suffers, because noncontributing children will become noncontributing adults, who often have difficulty sustaining healthy relationships.