Although parents commonly identify adolescence with the “teenage” years, early adolescence actually begins before that. Usually unfolding between the ages of nine and 13, it starts in elementary school.

Although the second-grade teacher may describe most of the class as usually serious, focused, calm, good-humored, curious, industrious, attentive, enthusiastic, positive, cooperative, and friendly; the fifth-grade teacher may describe more of the class as often silly, disorganized, restless, moody, disinterested, indolent, distracted, apathetic, negative, resistant, and even hostile.

So don't take a lot of early adolescent changes personally. Your son or daughter is not only more difficult to parent, but also more difficult to teach. You're not the only adult who is contending with this transformation. And your child is not the only one growing through this change.

Your Child's Changing Behavior

If you had unquestioned authority in childhood, you will have more questioned authority in early adolescence. If you were your child's preferred company before, you will come second to the company of his or her friends now. If you were the object of appreciation before, you will receive more complaints and criticism now.

Parents who take these changes personally and feel disrespected, rejected, or otherwise devalued often want to pull away or even be negative in return. “Well if that's the way you're going to act, I don't want anything to do with you!” This is a mistake.

From here on out, your child needs you more than ever for the constancy of your caring, for the influence of your communication, and for the stability of your support. Thus, if you are a parent who had a “best friend” relationship with your child, always confiding in each other and doing things together, and now has an early adolescent who wants to talk less and disclose less to you than before, don't cut off conversation or invitations to companionship.

Keep initiating opportunities to talk, keep the door open to communication so your child has a continuing chance to talk with you when he or she feels willing and able. Keep asking your child to do things with you, and don't let refusals keep you from continuing to extend these invitations. Don't treat normal adolescent separation as rejection.

Signs of Closeness

Remember, separating from childhood is also painful for your son or daughter. He or she doesn't want to be treated and defined as a child anymore but still misses a lot of the closeness that went with those early years. For example, no longer willing to snuggle up against you on the couch or be kissed because he feels too grown up for these old shows of affection, your 11-year-old allows (and needs) a sideways hug and an “I love you,” both of which he can still accept. To be treated “as a child” feels embarrassing; but to be denied all expressions of parental affection that went with “being a child” feels isolating.