The Problem of Hurry-Up Growth
As you know, some adolescents physically mature more swiftly than others do. Puberty comes early and growth changes unfold fast. Suddenly, they look several years older than other kids their age. The 13-year-old boy looks like a young man, or the 13-year-old girl looks like a young woman.
They are physically out of step with their peers, which often attracts the social attention of older adolescents who assume that the early-maturing adolescent has the interest and capacity and experience to go with his or her more grown-up looks. Adults jump to the same conclusion: “He looked old enough to handle the responsibility; how was I to know he was so young?”
A young person who matures early faces unrealistic expectations from the outside world that he or she feels compelled to meet. The message these young people get from peers and other adults is, “Act as old as you look because that is how we will treat you.” So, older boys start showing social interest in your daughter, who is really just in early adolescence but who now feels pressure to grow up fast.
Or consider another hurry factor — social advancement. Suppose that when your athletically gifted 14-year-old enters high school, she is encouraged to work out with varsity players. As a freshman, she is suddenly put on the same peer level with seniors. Treated as one of them, your mid-adolescent is routinely exposed to the company of older adolescents and is even invited to their social occasions. Academic acceleration can have the same effect.
ALERT!
If your child is on an accelerated path through adolescence — because of early physical maturity or athletic or academic advancement — the most important component of effective discipline to have in place is open and honest and ongoing communication between the two of you.
Early maturity and social advancement can create pressure to grow up faster. It is unrealistic to expect and demand that a 13-year-old who looks 17, and who is being treated as a 17-year-old by the world, be content to tolerate the limits and restraints of someone four years younger.
It is unrealistic to expect and demand that a ninth grader who hangs out with seniors is going to be content acting like a freshman. In either of these cases, you are probably going to do some letting go earlier than you anticipated.
However, your willingness to let go requires that your teenager confide in you more than he or she anticipated. That is key to your disciplinary stand. To get this early freedom, your teenager must commit to having ongoing and open discussions with you to sort out and think through new experiences.
