Like it or not, and most parents don't, you have to raise your child in a drug-filled world. From legal to illegal, from recreational to medicinal, from those in your bathroom cabinet to those in your cleaning closet or garage, from those in the drugstore to those sold on the street, mood- and mind-altering substances are everywhere to be found. The adolescent years are ripe for experimentation with these drugs.

So, what are you as parents supposed to do? Since you can't change the world, does that mean you are helpless to protect your son or daughter from the dangers of alcohol and drugs? No! There is a lot that you can do. You can't actually control your child's choices when it comes to alcohol and drug use, but you can definitely inform those choices with the best information and understanding you have.

You can inform your child about the nature of the problem, about the risks involved, and about keeping oneself safe should the decision to use occur. And you can inform yourselves about signs to watch for that might indicate substance-related troubles in your child's life.

Signs of Substance Use to Watch For

It takes parental vigilance to help keep a child drug-free, so parents need to know what signs of substance use to watch for. There are general and specific indicators that are worth keeping an eye out for as your child makes the journey through adolescence.

Some of the general indicators have to do with your teenager's making decisions that seem uncharacteristic or inconsistent with the established history and true character of the person as you know him or her to be. In each case, substance use takes the user from a caring to a non-caring (freedom from normal caring) mental frame of reference. Here are some common examples.

• A normally honest child starts lying.

• A normally smart child starts making unwise decisions.

• A normally motivated child starts becoming apathetic.

• A normally well-performing child starts failing.

• A normally obedient child starts getting into social trouble.

• A normally even-tempered child starts becoming explosive.

• A normally confiding child starts avoiding communication.

• A normally responsible child starts acting irresponsibly.

• A normally healthy child starts becoming run down.

• A normally constructive child starts acting self-destructively.

Always be on the lookout for atypical changes in your son or daughter as he or she journeys through adolescence. None of these general changes by themselves are sure signs of substance use, but three or four of them together should cause you to question if alcohol or drug use may be disorganizing your teenager's life.

There are also more specific indicators to be on the watch for. Here are some common behaviors to notice.

• You receive phone calls for your child where the caller refuses to give a name or the calling party just hangs up.

• You discover empty alcohol containers or drug paraphernalia in your child's room, backpack, or car.

• Your child is charged with minor in possession, possessing to sell, or driving while intoxicated.

• Money or pawnable items are stolen from family members.

• Your child is in possession of more money than you are providing.

• Your liquor supply is disappearing faster than you are drinking it, or it is watered down.

• There is a steady decline in your child's school attendance, a rise in disciplinary problems at school, and more rule breaking at home.

• Your child continually lies, and when confronted, lies about the lies.

• Every time you want to discuss the possibility of substance use with your child, he or she flies into a fury and refuses to talk about the subject.

If you see three or four of these indicators present in your child's life and he or she cannot give you a satisfactory explanation for these behaviors, you may want to take your son or daughter to a certified substance abuse counselor to assess if alcohol or drugs are playing a part in what is going on.

Coping with Teenage Substance Use

In their fear of the problem, parents often think punishment is the best deterrent to further use. It is not. To persuade yourself of this reality, just consider the high percentage of people in jail for drug or drug-related offenses. They are being punished, but how many of them come out and live drug-free? Not many.

The most significant way you can deal with this issue is communication. What might you communicate? Consider the following.

• State your value position. “You do not have our blessing to use alcohol or drugs. Should you choose to use, we will talk about that episode of use and we may decide some sanction shall follow.”

• Give a rational explanation against use. “There are a lot of ways you can get hurt as you grow through adolescence. Substance use only increases these risks. We want you to follow a sober path because that is safest.”

• Offer to share your personal and current history with alcohol and drug use. “I would like to give you the benefit of what alcohol and drug experience I have had so you can learn from what I've learned, from dangers I've seen, and from mistakes I've made. In return, I would like you to share your exposure to substances with me so I can help you learn from the experience.”

• Share any history of substance use problems in the immediate and extended family. “Here are some cautionary stories about how substance use has caused problems for some of the people in our family system that you know. Perhaps hearing about choices they made can inform choices that you make.”

• Declare the topic of substances and substance use a topic always open for family discussion. “It is important for us to talk about alcohol and drugs as they indirectly or directly affect your experience — from what you hear, from what you see, and from what you may decide to do. Of course, if you ever have any questions or concerns about my substance use, like alcohol, I'm open to discussing that.”

• Give your child a double message. “We don't want you to use. But if the time comes when you choose to use, here are some ways to do it as safely as possible. For example, when it comes to alcohol, limit your drinking to beer, and to no more than two beers a night. Don't mix drinking beer with any other kinds of alcohol or other substances. Don't drink to keep up with other people's drinking. Don't get into drinking competitions over who can drink the most. Don't drink to get drunk. Don't drive if you drink. Don't be driven by someone else who's been drinking. Call me anytime if you need a safe ride home.”

Get Help

If the warning signs have led to your assessment that your teenager is using alcohol to intentional excess (drinking to get drunk) or using other drugs that in a wide variety of ways are creating dangerous risk-taking or causing physical harm, then you must take protective action. In either case, if your child shows signs of abuse (no longer caring about what has traditionally mattered and making self-destructive choices), or signs of addiction (becoming dependent on substances and being unable to stop), then you must take protective action.

When your child shows signs of intentional excess, abuse, or addiction, get a qualified drug abuse counselor to assess your teenager's substance use. It will help confirm or disconfirm your suspicions, it will show your child that you are seriously concerned about the possibility of harmful substance use in his or her life, and it will open the door to some level of treatment if that is advised.

If a substance problem is confirmed, no matter what treatment help may be sought at this time, parents need to assert strong and supportive discipline at home by taking a restrictive stand that essentially reduces freedoms and imposes demands to encourage the re-establishment of healthy, responsible drug-free behavior in their child. The teen can earn back his freedom as he meets the demands you set.

What kinds of conditions for healthy and responsible family living do parents typically impose? Here are a few.

• There will be zero tolerance for alcohol and drug use.

• There will be random drug testing.

• There will be no discretionary money.

• There will be no driving unless to school and back and to work and back, subject to parental supervision.

• There will be no going to parties and all socializing will be subject to parental approval.

ALERT!

Don't enable your substance-abusing teenager by solving his or her problems, giving second chances, or rescuing from consequences. The more you “help” in these ways, the more power of self-help you encourage the child to give up, the more learning from experience you prevent. Attend Al-Anon meetings yourself for support and guidance.

• Any paychecks from employment will be turned over to parents for approved spending, agreed-upon saving, and making restitution for any thefts or damages that substance-using behavior has caused.

• All household rules will be followed and all family activities will require cheerful participation.

• Investment of regular time and energy in positive personal growth activities will be made.

As these and other conditions for personal conduct are met, as the teenager shows evidence of living in more constructive, drug-free ways, this good behavior will be rewarded with more freedom and independence. Finally, remember that the surest way to raise “drug-free” children is to be drug-free parents — either using in moderation with no problems in their own or other people's eyes, or simply not using at all.