There are two kinds of tactics that teenagers commonly use in conflict that parents must refuse to play along with and must not use themselves: distraction and manipulation. Both tactics undermine the conflict resolution process by getting in the way of honest, open, and direct communication about the issue at hand. Distraction tactics are used to keep from losing. Manipulation tactics are used to “force” a win.

Distraction Tactics

The adolescent resorts to distraction tactics in arguments that he or she is losing, trying to change the focus to an issue where there is a better chance of winning. Suppose you want to discuss with your twelve-year-old son why he's not turning in his homework, and what needs to change to solve this. You start by dealing with the specific: “You have not been turning in your homework this week.” Rather than reply to the specific issue for which he has no defense, he tries to shift the topic to an abstract complaint: “The only thing you care about is how I do in school!”

But you stick to the issue, restating it with accuracy: “Your teacher told me that the last four days, you have not turned in your homework.” Having no accurate data to counter this charge, he now resorts to using extremes: “You never believe me, you always believe the teacher!” But you stick to the issue, restating it in the present: “As matters now stand, you are not turning in your homework.” Having no present data to contradict you, he now tries to shift the focus to past and future: “This is just what you do, holding what's already happened against me, refusing to trust that I'll do better next time!”

But you stick to the issue, restating it in terms of responsibility: “It is your job to do your homework and turn it in.” Having no evidence of responsibility to refute you, he tries to shift the focus with blame: “It's the teacher's fault for not making sure I wrote the homework down!” But you stick to the issue by sticking to the evidence: “You have not been turning in your homework, and it needs to be done.” Having no evidence to defend with, he resorts to excuses: “Maybe I just forgot; people do forget, you know!”

But you stick to the issue by relentlessly staying on the subject: “You have not been turning in homework and that needs to be done.” Having no facts to dispute your charge, he makes one last attempt to shift the focus by getting you off the subject: “You always get after me about school, but never my sister, because she's your favorite!” But you are steadfast. You will not be distracted: “I want to discuss with you why homework is not being turned in and what you need to do so that it is.”

Manipulation Tactics

The teenager resorts to manipulation tactics when he or she wants to overcome a refusal you have made. For example, you have just refused your sixteen-year-old permission to attend a late-night party just outside of town to which some of her friends (“all of them,” according to her) have been allowed to go. Unable to persuade you out of your decision with reasonable argument, she turns to emotional manipulation to try to change your mind.

Another name for this manipulation is emotional extortion. Long ago, before acquiring speech, the infant/toddler discovered that strong emotional expression could sometimes change a parental no into a yes.

So, first, your teenager uses an expression of love. “I love you so much, you're the most wonderful parent! You always understand me and what I need!” And feeling flattered in response to this expression of emotion, perhaps you re-evaluate your refusal. But in the end, you still say no.

Now, since love didn't work, your teenager may turn to anger. “You never let me do anything! I'll never forgive you for not letting me go!” And feeling rejected in response to this expression of emotion, perhaps you re-evaluate your refusal. But in the end, you still say no.

Now since anger didn't work, your teenager may turn to suffering. “You've made me so unhappy! I'll never get over this hurt!” And feeling guilty in response to this tearful expression of emotion, perhaps you re-evaluate your refusal. But in the end, you still say no.

Now since suffering didn't work, your teenager may turn to helplessness. “Oh, what's the point? My life is all up to you anyway. There's nothing I can do!” And feeling pity in response to this expression of emotion, perhaps you re-evaluate your refusal. But in the end, you still say no.

Since helplessness didn't work, your teenager may turn to apathy. “You can decide whatever you want. I don't care what — I don't care about you!” And feeling abandoned in response to this expression of emotion, perhaps you re-evaluate your refusal. But in the end, you still say no.

Now since apathy didn't work, your teenager may turn to threat of injury. “You better watch out! I'll get back at you or maybe I'll hurt even myself!” And feeling scared in response to this expression of emotion, perhaps you re-evaluate your refusal. But in the end, you still say no.

No teenager will use this full arsenal of emotions on any single occasion to try and overcome parental refusal, but he or she will oftentimes resort to the one that parents have proven vulnerable to in the past. By adolescence, a child has come to know his parents extremely well, and he's willing to use that knowledge to create the effect he wants. Thus, if you can't stand feeling guilty, expect your teen to express suffering as a manipulation. If you can't stand feeling rejection, expect anger. If you can't stand feeling fear, expect threat.

Holding your position in the face of this kind of emotional onslaught is not easy, but it is necessary. Emotions should be used to express authentic feelings, not to manipulate people to get one's way in conflict. You want to keep disagreement declarative so differences can be discussed and rationally resolved. To this end, you refuse to play emotional extortion with your teenager, and you refrain from using it yourself. (For a fuller discussion of these “get my way” techniques, see Declare Yourself by John Narciso.)