Hurt feelings happen. In the give-and-take between parents and child over the normal course of growing up, injury is sometimes given and received by both parties. Someone speaks an impulsive word, breaks an important agreement, tells a lie, forgets a significant commitment, or otherwise mistreats another family member.

A sincere apology is important when either the parent or the child wrongs or hurts the other. Why? Because at issue is developing two important parts of discipline: conscience and self-correction. Apologizing serves several purposes after an incident of wronging or injuring each other has occurred.

A sincere apology can encourage both you and your child to:

• Recognize the difference between doing right and doing wrong, and to subscribe to doing right. Sincere apologizing begins with the honest acknowledgment of how one has mistreated others.

• Own and admit culpability when giving injury or doing wrong. Sincere apologizing takes hard responsibility for one's actions.

• Feel genuine sorrow and appropriate guilt after hurting someone through ignorance, accident, or intent. Sincere apologizing is motivated by true remorse.

• Commit seriously to not repeating a wrong or injury that has just occurred. Sincere apologizing carries with it the firm intent to reform.

• Make amends by hearing out the wronged or injured party. Sincere apologizing means that there is no “statute of limitations” on feeling hurt from harm, and patiently commits to listening whenever and however long hurt from original harm continues to be truly felt by the other person.

You do not want to raise a child without a conscience, one for whom the distinction between right and wrong does not matter, or one who feels no remorse when wronging others. You do not want to raise a child who is determined to deny misdeeds or mistakes, or who stubbornly refuses to apologize for anything. You do not want to raise a child whose apologies are insincere, or who uses apologies as manipulation to escape consequences for wrongdoing. And you do not want to raise a child who, after committing a wrong, stubbornly refuses to self-correct.

So how can you teach sincere apologizing? Apologizing must be modeled for it to be learned. Parents who refuse to admit wrongdoing encourage children to follow that example. It's worth remembering that parents can act badly just as children can. Parents can “shoot from the lip” when angry, for example, when caught off-guard by the unexpected, saying words they later wish they could retract. But done is done.

“I'm sorry for what I said,” the parent apologizes. “It was wrong to say what I did. My anger at what happened is no excuse. I won't ever say that again. And I am willing to hear about any hurt feelings my angry words have caused.” Appreciating this honest expression of remorse and intent to reform, the child forgives the parent. “Thanks for saying you're sorry. I guess neither one of us does right all the time.”