Developing Trust
Having an open, honest relationship with your child creates a safe place for your child to share her thoughts, feelings, and opinions. When she feels respected, she will respect others. Trust is the cornerstone of good relationships, and without it your job as a parent is nearly impossible.
Alert!
Don't assume that because your child has secrets she doesn't trust you. It's healthy for a child and parent to have some boundaries and privacy. If you sense that her secret could be something that could harm her, encourage her to “spill.” Otherwise, leave her alone and respect her privacy.
When a child is feeling the symptoms of depression, she can hide them pretty well if she thinks it might upset you to hear about them. No matter what might be wrong with your child, she needs to feel she can come home and lay it all on the line. Her level of trust in you is what will determine if she does indeed share with you her current situation.
Responding to Your Child
If you go home and tell your mother that you have done something you shouldn't have, how will she react? Ask your child that question and she will be able to answer with a pretty accurate prediction of how you'll respond. Her answer will tell you a lot about her perception of her relationship with you.
If she says, “Oh, she won't be happy about that. She would kill me,” and she is not being dramatic, you may have some gaps in the trust department. If she senses that you will laugh at her, judge her, be angry, or overreact, she is apt to keep bad news to herself. Wouldn't you if you were in her position? Telling her that she can tell you anything and then reacting to her news in negative ways teaches her that you can't be trusted and that your responses will be, at best, unpredictable.
Remember to hold your tongue and watch your facial expressions. Don't give her the impression that you don't take her seriously. Withhold judgment until she has told you everything. If you are angry, take a few deep breaths and choose your words carefully. You may even ask for a few minutes alone so you can gather your thoughts. This will keep you from saying or doing something you might regret later. Your response now could determine whether she comes to you the next time she has a problem.
Practice What You Preach
If you expect your child to be honest with you, be honest with her. That doesn't mean you have to tell her things that are not age appropriate or for adults only. But if she asks you a question, you need to answer as honestly as possible. If you expect dependability, be reliable yourself. If you make a promise, keep it.
Essential
When you tell your child that if she comes home and tells you what she has done she won't get into trouble, mean it. A child needs to know what to expect and that you mean what you say. This is the best way to establish trust.
If you tell her that your love is unconditional, mean it. It will be more meaningful when she sees that your behavior and reactions match your words.
