Divorce
When a couple is headed for divorce, the problems that this causes create havoc within a family. Tempers are out of control, and emotions are running wild. There are all sorts of issues at play: who's going to stay in the house, financial matters, who will have the children. The adults' world is falling apart, but the child can also be severely impacted.
Children are very intuitive and can pick up on the stress and tension within the marriage. As they realize that their parents are divorcing, they are often left to take care of themselves. All of a sudden, they are solely responsible for completing their homework, taking care of their chores, and doing other things that routinely used to require a parent's participation. Once again, they are at risk for becoming mini-parents and depressed.
Question
How much do we tell our child about our divorce without unnecessarily burdening her?
Tell enough to alleviate her anxiety about the divorce. Keep what you share at an age-appropriate level. She does not need to know everything. Keep a boundary between what are adult-only issues and what are family issues.
What about Me?
Children become quite concerned about what will happen to them. It is not uncommon for a child to ask, “Where am I going to live? What's going to happen to me?” In other words, children have a need to know what their future holds and how the divorce will change their lives.
In order to minimize the effects of divorce on your child, it is important for the two of you to sit your child down and discuss the fact that you are divorcing. It needs to be made clear that the child is not at fault in any way. While this may sound obvious to you, many children believe that they have somehow caused marital trouble and that the divorce is their fault.
It is also important to explain to the children living arrangements, as well as where they will be living. They need to be reassured that both parents love them, support them, and that you are both going to work very hard to see that their lives remain as normal as possible.
Staying Involved
Parents who are divorcing need to stay involved in the day-today lives of their children. If possible, share the parenting duties as equally as possible so that your divorce will have the least amount of stress on the child. An open line of communication needs to be available, and each parent needs to be cooperative with the other. A child who observes his parents acting in a mature fashion will understand that although bad things do happen within the family, it does not have to completely tear the family apart.
Alert
Although you may be strongly tempted to do it, never tell your child that it is your spouse's fault that you are divorcing. While you think you are being honest with him, it places the child in the awkward position of having to be mad at one parent while protecting the other.
Make sure that your child observes the two of you as a united front. Even if you and your spouse disagree about the parenting of your child, your child does not need to know. Distress and emotional discomfort can be greatly alleviated if she believes that the two if you are working together to make this process smooth. This also lets your child know that she continues to be your first priority.
Mourning the Loss
From a child's perspective, a divorce often represents the loss of a parent. If the father has left the home and is setting up house elsewhere, the child may grieve his absence. It is important for parents to set aside their feelings about one another so that they can help their child grieve healthfully and thoroughly.
