When a child is depressed, you may find yourself neglecting your other children. You aren't doing this on purpose, however, but because your child has a mental illness and takes a lot of your physical and emotional energy. But the siblings need support and attention, too. They have their own opinions and feelings about their depressed brother or sister. Unfortunately, a lot of what they are thinking and feeling is negative.

Sibling Reactions

There are several responses a sibling might have upon hearing that his brother or sister is depressed. While she loves her brother, she may not fully understand what is happening. You will have to educate her about depression at a level that is age appropriate. Explain to her that her brother is getting help, and that the whole family needs to support him. She may have questions and you should try to answer them as honestly as you can.

A more natural reaction is for a sibling to feel left out. She is apt to be a bit envious of all the attention her depressed brother is receiving. Sometimes, a child cannot understand that the attention is not being given because he is more special than his sibling. She may begin to make comments such as, “You love him more than me,” or “Why are you always doing stuff with him?” It will be your job to help her see that her brother has a problem and needs some extra time from you. Explain that she is just as important to you as he is, but that he has problems that must be addressed.

Sometimes a sibling will take her anger out on the depressed sibling. Again, while her anger is perfectly normal, she needs to learn ways to communicate it that don't push your depressed child deeper into that black hole.

Some siblings will try to take on more responsibilities to compensate for the depressed child's problems. They also crave attention, so doing more makes them more noticeable and possibly more appreciated. When a parent is emotionally and physically exhausted, she might allow this sibling to take on more duties. It is imperative that you allow her to be the child, not a grownup. Work to keep her life as normal as possible.

Avoidant Behaviors

Just like adults, kids have a tendency to avoid unpleasantness. When a sibling is depressed, the reaction of a nondepressed child can be tinged with embarrassment and a desire to keep the depressed sibling hidden. She may spend more time in her room to avoid dealing with her sibling. She may refuse to discuss her sibling's depression because she is angry, sad, and confused. You may find her not having friends come over in case the depressed sibling acts out somehow. While you may want to fuss at her and make her behave differently, remember that children express their feelings in all sorts of ways, some of which might not be attractive. Talk with her about what you are observing and help her develop other options for responding to her sibling's depression.

How to Help

In order to help your nondepressed child through her sibling's depression, there are some simple things you can do. First, as with your depressed child, the more each family member understands about depression, the easier its effects will be on the siblings. Help them understand that all of their feelings are normal and not bad. Spend some one-on-one time with your nondepressed child. Just a little quality time that she doesn't have to share with anyone else will tremendously reduce her feelings of being left out.

Last, think of how protective you want to be with your depressed child. Even with your nondepressed child, you may find yourself being stricter, more protective, and more anxious. You also know that depression can be hereditary, so you will be increasingly worried about your nondepressed child. It's only natural that you worry about this child getting depressed. You automatically have that feeling that you can keep her immune from depression, but you can't. You'll be better off accepting that and letting her be a kid.