As with any of your children, you will want to discuss with your spouse, in advance, how best to explain issues of a sexual nature to your child with Asperger's. Many children broach the topic first — a cue for parents to guide them into such discussions. For example, your child may enjoy watching animal or nature-related programs on TV, or you may own pets that deliver litters of puppies, kittens, or hamsters. Inevitably, your child will be exposed to the facts of life via images of animals mating with one another, and this may prompt questions about reproduction or sexual attraction. Your child may have also intruded upon your own lovemaking unexpectedly; this requires prompt explanation as well for purposes of damage control.

Understand that for all children, observation of sexual acts can be grossly misinterpreted. Facial expressions, vocalizations, and body position can make the scenario appear violent and hurtful, and anything but passionate. The child with Asperger's — witnessing such activity without explanation — may burn this image into her brain and associate it exclusively with sexual activity, setting an unpleasant precedent. Shouting angrily at your child upon discovery will only reinforce such negative thoughts and feelings.

Many people with differences have been taught that it is inappropriate to have sexual thoughts, feelings, or indulgences at all. One young adult with Asperger's has been so brainwashed that he harms himself whenever he has sexual thoughts in order to exact punishment for thinking “dirty” things. As a parent, you may see your son or daughter as a perpetual child because of a childlike naiveté about so many aspects of life and socialization. The truth is, we are all sexual beings, even children. Attempting to control or suppress someone's sexuality is akin to assuming authority over that person's humanity. No one has the right to assume such an audacious position over another person, whether that person experiences a different way of being or not.

The best way to enter into what will be a series of ongoing discussions with your child about sex is to be open and honest, using clear language paired with visuals. There are a number of well-illustrated books available that explain animal and human reproduction, including pop-up books, which might be helpful. Videos may also be available at your library or video store (some video stores rent such videos free of charge).

Approaching the Subject

Your comfort level with your own sexuality will determine how effective you are. Presenting material in a “hit or miss” manner (i.e., you're out of the room while your child absorbs the information alone) may create more confusion and send a message that you are unapproachable. Be available to your child during and after such dialogues so that you can quickly clarify anything that might be upsetting or cause for concern. Quickly dispel any rumors or myths your child may bring home. Your child may hear wildly imaginative and completely false stories about what happens during the act of sex, which is scary stuff that can fuel anxieties about an already confusing process. When discussing sexual organs, avoid using cutesy or slang terms — there is great potential for your child to associate those words with certain body parts exclusively for some time to come, making the introduction of the proper words confusing.

Again, follow your child's lead about the type and degree of information to share, paired with visuals. To alleviate any misunderstanding that sex is a physical act for the sake of sex alone, ensure that the discussion occurs within the context of love — a concept that may be challenging for some children who, at a tender age, associate love exclusively with parents, friends, and family. This will help quell any fears about sexual acts being hurtful or repressive. Explain that, because of feeling euphoric in the moment, sex may look and sound like something it's not. It is important to emphasize that while you are always willing and accessible to discuss sexual matters, it is a private matter that should not be discussed publicly, especially within earshot of others. List, in writing, the places and times that it is okay to discuss sex, such as when you are alone with your child in the car or at home watching something on TV that provokes his curiosity.

Growing Up

You will wish to periodically revisit these conversations as your child matures, if she doesn't broach the subject first. Most significantly, be prepared to discuss sexuality at the onset of your child's adolescence. A changing, maturing body, complete with growing pains, sprouting body hair, or menstruation, can be another very frightening time if not handled tastefully well in advance and framed in a very positive light.

As your child grows, you may discover her sexuality beginning to flourish. Be certain to counsel her privately to quickly curb any overtly sexual remarks or similar flirtatious self-expressions to support her in avoiding social embarrassment. Others may completely misinterpret her communications and label them in stigmatizing ways. If necessary, dig out your old list of when, where, and with whom it is okay to talk about sex. Or compose a new list. At a certain age, it may not be “cool” to continue having these discussions with one's parent, so, while you will always wish to be accessible, the list may be expanded to include a circle of safe and trusted friends who can be relied upon to keep your child's confidence and give accurate feedback.