Dating
When any two people meet and develop a gratifying romantic and sexual relationship, it often stems from a mutual vocation, avocation, or educational pursuit. Remember, passions are icebreakers in conversation and are relationship-builders as well. Building upon one's most passionate interests can lead directly to interacting with others similarly impassioned. Still, some people are drawn to each other because they compensate for each other's differences, strengths, and deficits. However two people are drawn together, new relationships of this nature can be difficult for anyone to navigate, and this is no different for your child with Asperger's.
Balancing this newfound “like” with advancing the relationship can be an art form. Explain to your child that it's never wrong to simply ask the other person to be honest about what he or she is thinking and feeling. This is the only way many people with Asperger's will know definitively how to pursue the relationship. Any discussion about dating should also include an explanation of the potential for rejection by the other person. It is a trial-and-error, touch-and-go process for anyone. Be prepared to counsel your child in ways that are private and gentle; he has the potential to take rejection hard.
Fact
There are a growing number of books about Asperger's Syndrome and relationships. Many of these volumes are personal accounts written by individuals with Asperger's themselves (“Aspies,” as some affectionately call themselves). See Appendix A for a list of books on this subject.
Barney, an adult with Asperger's, shares an anecdote from his adolescence with amusement for the purpose of illuminating others about misunderstanding social customs. When he was in high school, “cruising” in cars up and down a main strip was popular. Boys in cars would shout out introductions to carfuls of girls. Barney, however, felt this was an inefficient way of communicating, since it required shouting over other cruisers. He constructed a small transmitter that allowed him to pick up on the radio signals that girls in a particular car were listening to. He would tune the transmitter to the radio of a carful of girls he was interested in, then pick up his microphone and speak to them “privately” through their radio. He would tune his transmitter, then, interrupting the music playing in their cars, he would describe the car they were driving and the clothes they were wearing. The girls would shriek and change radio stations, which Barney took to be part of a game of “playing hard to get.” But he soon realized this wasn't the case, as they screamed at him to get out of their radios, and he received similar reactions from other carfuls of girls.
Mark Sachnik, a man with Asperger's Syndrome who is a strong self-advocate, shares some closing thoughts about dating and evolving sexual relationships.
Unfortunately, the “dating game” is probably one of the biggest challenges teenagers or young adults face in the process of growing up. Add autism (or any disability) into the mix and you could have a recipe for disaster because these individuals will feel less and less comfortable with themselves. This is where it is extremely important for those around them to help them become more comfortable with themselves and to emphasize the importance of “being yourself.” Accepting who you are and being yourself greatly increases your chances for a successful relationship, while nonacceptance and trying to “reinvent” yourself only increases your chances of failure.
Now for the really hard part. The individual with autism has met an “ideal mate,” a common bond is established, and a really good friendship is “in the works.” The individual is starting to develop feelings for the person. Again, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. The problem individuals with autism run into is they will often have “no clue” on how to read “hints,” tones of voice, or subtle “body language.” It is very hard for them to decipher between romantic overtures and acts of friendship. This is when “social stories,” complete with pictures (not the “graphic” kind) would really help.
A close relationship with a member of the opposite sex is usually the time when people contemplate entering into a sexual relationship with their significant other. Re-emphasize the facts of life and also reinforce the concept that a sexual relationship carries a lot of responsibility. This is also the time to discuss the possible consequences of entering into an irresponsible sexual relationship (a commitment before you are ready, unwanted pregnancy, sexually transmitted disease, etc.).
