Sibling Relationships
Some families are remarkably resilient. Through unconditional love, they are able to persevere and meet new challenges while remaining whole and intact. Others seriously struggle or fall apart, and still others fall somewhere in between. Just as your family dynamics determine how your marriage will fare as you understand the significance of Asperger's for you and your spouse, so will your family makeup also determine how your child's brothers and sisters receive the same information. In other words, your children will take their cues from you and your spouse; the attitudes and actions you model will be reflected in them. They will not only project the values about their sibling's differences within the family, they will demonstrate these beliefs in school, the community, and the world at large.
Setting a Positive Example
It is crucial that you work toward setting a positive tone when first presenting your child's Asperger's Syndrome to his brothers and sisters. It not only influences the quality of your immediate family relationships, but it also affects the ways in which all your children perceive all people with differences for the rest of their lives.
When you broach the topic of Asperger's Syndrome with your child's siblings, consider these points:
Partner with your child about the issue of disclosure to agree upon how much or how little to reveal.
Decide if it's best to share the information with each sibling in privacy or if it should be done with the family as a group.
Begin by highlighting the ways in which people are more alike than different.
Discuss the gifts and talents of your other children first and then discuss those of your child with Asperger's.
Emphasize Asperger's as a natural experience and dispel fears about it being a contagious disease or something that can suddenly happen to just anyone.
Don't play the pity card — you want your kids to be kids and to maintain their typical relationships as brothers and sisters, not walk on eggshells.
Don't put unfair or unrealistic expectations on your child's siblings about increased responsibilities or the burden of future caretaking.
Do discuss the ways in which the entire family is going to strive toward being more sensitive to the needs of your child — needs previously unacknowledged or unrecognized.
Talk about respecting your child's ownership of confidentiality, discretion, and disclosure.
Allow for process time and questions.
Finding a balance in how you love all your children is a fine art for any parent. It may be tough for your other children to see the kind of time you may invest with your child with Asperger's and not feel jealous or envious. Wherever possible, try to engage all your children in any activities that can include them all. If your child with Asperger's is receiving special instruction from an educator or therapist, are there games and routines that your entire family can take on? This will work toward family bonding, patience, and tolerance, and it will make learning fun for your child with Asperger's. The more you treat your child's way of being as natural and “no big deal,” the more your child's siblings will automatically pitch in, help out, and pick up the slack without thinking or complaining beyond typical sibling bickering. The terrific ripple effect from this will be in how your children will grow to value diversity in all people.
Helping Siblings Cope
Still, there will be occasions when your child's siblings require your solid parental support when they are unable to manage or selfregulate internal or external pressures. Some pitfalls to be mindful of in observing your child's siblings may include coping with:
Manifestation of mental health issues due to the stress (selfimposed or imposed by you), especially in older daughters who may develop depression or an eating disorder
Perceived embarrassment caused by their sibling's way of being, especially in public
Being ostracized by peers who don't want to hang around them or come over to your house because of your child with Asperger's
Feeling perpetually pressured to “parent” or protect their sibling with Asperger's
Becoming weary and worn out from constantly defending their sibling
Feeling guilty when they want to go places and do things alone
Feeling pressured by peers to reject their sibling
Hopefully, none of these areas will manifest as concerns because you and your family have, from day one of the Asperger's diagnosis, set a positive, inclusive tone in relation to each family member's place in the home, school, and community. But if you should recognize problems in any of these areas, it will be important to have a private “powwow” with your child's siblings to offer your love, praise, and reassurances. Are there ways that you can compensate in partnership with your other children, especially if they've been feeling left out? Parenting is never set in stone; it changes from moment to moment. Be willing to admit it's true if you've inadvertently been neglectful. Plan some quality time with your child's siblings apart from the rest of the family. It may be rejuvenating for you all.
Alert
As your child's brothers and sisters grow and mature, their sibling relationships can become strained. They may take on other interests and broaden their circle of friends and as a result, the child with Asperger's (who may remain static despite ongoing change) is left out. Remember that change can be very difficult and saddening for your child and he may require you to facilitate scheduled “family” or “sibling” time to help him cope.
