Knowing When to Discipline
Knowing when, how, and how much to discipline your child with Asperger's Syndrome can be quite challenging. You may be filled with worry for your child and her future. You may be learning more about becoming her strongest advocate. In so doing, you will need to find balance in your role as a parent and disciplinarian. There may be a fine line between being an effective parent and being perceived as zealous or coddling of your child.
Essential
Remember that kids are kids. You would never do anything to intentionally endanger your child; but, as much as you might wish to keep all your children safe from any harm or wrongdoing, sometimes life's most valuable (and enduring) lessons come courtesy of that famous institution of learning and life experience known as the school of hard knocks.
Your child's diagnosis is a label that describes a sliver of who that individual is as a human being. Your child is many other things; her diagnosis does not exclusively define her (remember the self-fulfilling prophecy). In valuing your child's gifts and talents concurrent with understanding her diagnosis, be cautious about going to extremes. You have every reason to be a strong advocate on behalf of your child and in protection of her rights. But this does not exempt her from being disciplined by you or, where appropriate, by child care or day care providers, or educators.
Overprotectiveness
Some parents can become overprotective. They may make frequent excuses for their child's words or actions. And they may not discipline where most others agree it to be warranted. When this occurs — regardless of the child's way of being — the balance of authority shifts. The child gains more and more control while being protected in a sheltered environment with little to no discipline.
The Latin root of the word “discipline” means “to teach.” Parents who are overprotective and do nothing to discipline their child are teaching some very artificial life lessons that will significantly hinder their child in the real world. One mother openly despaired that she envisions caring for her son with Asperger's Syndrome for the rest of her life. This may indeed be the case if she micromanages every aspect of his life.
The Dignity of Risk
There is what is known as the “dignity of risk.” It speaks to the luxury you must allow people with different ways of being to make long- and short-term mistakes — but with support and guidance. This will be a great challenge to you as a parent who is naturally protective of your child. But it is the only way your child will learn and prepare for greater independence in the future. Disciplining your child should be a teaching and learning opportunity about making choices and decisions. When your child makes mistakes, assure him that he is still loved and valued. In other words, focus on the issue at hand, not the person (i.e., yelling, “How could you be so stupid?” is not an option).
For example, the parents of the teenager who drove the uninsured car should demonstrate their discipline by first discussing his great error in judgment in addition to entering into a dialogue about good, better, and best choices in the future. It will be especially helpful — and will maximize the learning opportunity — if, in partnership with the boy, they write it all down to make it as concrete as possible. They may also decide that another form of discipline (such as withholding allowance or grounding him) is an entirely appropriate way to reinforce the seriousness of his actions.
This is not to suggest that they should not have intervened if they had had prior knowledge of his intentions; they certainly should have! But, where possible, look for small opportunities to deliberately allow your child to mess up and make mistakes for which you can set aside discipline-teaching time. It will be a learning process for you and your child.
