How Would You Feel?
The last chapter discussed the three meltdown triggers that typically drive “behaviors” in children with Asperger's and autism. You will recall that the most significant of those three areas was the inability to communicate in ways that are effective, reliable, and universally understandable. When you are feeling overwhelmed by circumstances that are unpredictable and that spiral out of your control, you may find it very difficult to verbally express yourself in this situation. For example, think how you would feel if, all in the same morning:
You oversleep because the alarm didn't go off.
You have no hot water for a shower.
You realize you're out of coffee.
You don't notice that your pants have an obvious fabric snag until you're in the car.
The entrance to your freeway exit is detoured due to construction.
You can't find a parking space once at work.
When you finally get inside your workplace, you are likely feeling one or all of the following:
Angry
Upset
Disoriented
Short-tempered
Depressed
Anxious
Stressed
Upon your arrival at work, what do you instinctively want to do? Find a friend or confidante as soon as possible in order to vent and tell them about your morning. But where would you start? If you are feeling emotionally stressed or overwhelmed, you may be feeling like a huge, confused mass of all the feelings listed. You may not have the words to describe your frustration, or you may be completely inarticulate in the moment. If you can't get it all out in a way that is effective, reliable, and universally understandable, your frustration will continue to build. Now suppose someone unaware of your experience approaches you and makes a demand that is time-sensitive (“I need this within a half hour!”). Everything you're feeling will escalate until you release it some way. You may do this by:
Yelling or screaming
Swearing
Throwing something
Breaking something
Pulling something off the wall
Clearing off your desk with a sweep of your arm
Sitting and crying
Avoiding the situation by disappearing to the bathroom, lounge, or smoking area
Going numb and not responding to anything
Fortunately, such overwhelming experiences are rarities for most people. But isn't it curious how many of these reactive behaviors are similar to the list of Asperger's Syndrome “junk behaviors” outlined in the last chapter? If anyone accused you of being unprofessional or even violent in manifesting such behaviors, wouldn't you defend yourself by explaining they were communications of your tremendous angst, and that you were coping the best way you knew how? Fortunately, this scenario played out over the course of a few hours one morning. But you may use it as an analogy to understand how most kids with Asperger's feel in trying to cope and get through each day when it comes to navigating communication.
Essential
Sometimes you may find that parenting a child with Asperger's who is overwhelmed means simply abandoning all expectations of trying to understand what just happened in favor of providing a gentle hug or allowing your child to have a good cry or personal space to temporarily shut down. You may find that these unspoken communications that you provide will have as much, if not more, impact than your verbal communications in the moment.
Your child may be quite challenged in her ability to process receptive language, that is, understanding what others are communicating. You may be frustrated by her apparent unawareness of the social repercussions of interrupting or saying something with brutal directness. Conversely, her idea of communication to others, or expressive language, may be skewed from what is considered the norm. Let's examine both perspectives.
