Now that you've read about the way your child will best receive information, let's explore how she may best express communication. As you've just learned, your child may be very literal in her way of being and in everything she does and says. Part of her challenge in making sense of social interactions is to assume some flexibility and understanding when others are not as rigid.

Casual Promises That Confuse

People commonly make promises they have absolutely no intention of keeping. People say things all the time that sound friendly and sincere — and they may be genuine in the moment — but they get distracted, forget, or get involved in other things and never follow through. Some of these popular idioms include such “catchphrases” as, “I'll call you in a few days,” “Let's do lunch real soon,” or “I'll stop by to see you in a couple of weeks.” They haven't intentionally misled you, and most people shrug them off when these social dates don't come to fruition if they haven't already interpreted them as weightless, social conventions. They are in the same vein as asking, by rote, “How are you?” without really expecting to hear a rundown of how someone actually is.

Meanwhile, the person with Asperger's is waiting for the other party to come through and make good on the promise. With each day that passes with no communication, the person becomes more hurt, confused, or upset. Some folks probably forget making such comments as soon as they say them, or would be a bit surprised to be held closely accountable for them. You will need to counsel your child in this peculiar nuance of neurotypical behavior, especially as he enters his teen years — a time when people rely less on their parents and interact with greater social freedom.

Subtleties of Language

Another great challenge your child may grapple with is in understanding the flow of typical, everyday conversations. The language most people are accustomed to using may get “lost” on the child with Asperger's Syndrome. This is because everyday interactions are peppered with subtleties including:

• Slang (Example: “He lost his head!”)

• Sarcasm (Example: “You're such a hottie!” but meaning just the opposite.)

• Innuendo (Example: “They slept together last weekend.”)

• Irony (Example: “Be sharp or you'll be flat.”)

Most people learn to understand these subtleties by osmosis — simply by experiencing a reasonably typical upbringing in which they've automatically inferred meaning into previously unfamiliar idioms. They use body language and other cues to interpret the real meaning of the words. Many children with Asperger's are not privy to this “social code” and require your gentle coaching to decipher it.

We all occasionally need such clarifications because we are all more alike than different. For instance, if someone said to you, “Duck,” would you know how to interpret it? Would you look around for a bird, or would you physically lower your head to avoid being hit by something? Based on your past experience, the chances of being struck might seem higher than your chances of seeing the bird, and therefore you might “duck” your head. But it was a split-second judgment call.

Here are two different, real-life scenarios involving boys with Asperger's that illustrate how slang is frequently misinterpreted. In the first situation, a mother kept her distance in observing her young son's interaction with a baker when placing the order for his birthday cake. The boy responded well to questions such as, “What flavor icing would you like?” and “What flavor cake would you like?” But when the baker asked, “And what would you like your cake to say?” the very surprised boy exclaimed, “Are you crazy? Cakes don't talk!” In a worst-case scenario, one boy became a target for some older boys at summer camp. One of them told him to go jump in a lake — so he did, fully clothed. The boy jumped into the lake because:

• The other boy was older and perceived as intimidating or in authority, so the boy did as he was told (being a “pleaser”)

• There was a lake there so it didn't occur to the boy that his tormentor could be referring to anything other than that lake

• He was unaware of the slang expression that means the same as “Buzz off” or “Get lost”

These expressions will need to be taught to the child with Asperger's. As an exercise, you may wish to sit with your child and develop a list of words and phrases that draw inspiration from the previous list of subtleties in language. It will be helpful if you are prepared to give examples for each item on the list. Your child will be greatly amused if you are able to share your own experiences of misunderstanding someone's meaning and intent, and ask your child to provide his thoughts about what you might've done differently, or how you would know better next time. When discussed as a “game” in this manner — and outside of real-life, potentially threatening, or scary situations — your child will likely feel comfortable and at ease deconstructing social idioms. Reinforce that it is always considered acceptable to politely request that someone repeat what they've said, or ask for clarification by simply stating, “I don't know what you mean. Can you please say it another way?” By doing this, you can help your child become adept at cracking the social code.