Peers and Peer Pressure
The demands of social interaction can be especially traumatic for children with anxiety, who worry more and can be exceedingly shy or self-conscious. In fact, a common presenting concern for children coming to therapy is troublemaking, keeping, and interacting with friends.
Best Friends Forever
Your child's first best friend is truly a friend forever, because the experience of having a person outside of your family who mirrors your fears, fancies, and foibles creates a base or template for all of your child's future relationships. The developmental push to find and keep a best friend is greatest between the ages of about eight to eleven. Developmental psychologists see this as a crucial step, because the best friend or “chum” helps your child begin to fine-tune his identity and strengthen attachment. A child with anxiety will most likely have difficulty with this task and will need your help.
Peer Pressure
You have no doubt had firsthand experience with peer pressure, especially during your adolescent years. Peer pressure can add to insecurity and undermine self-confidence. As your child grows older, family influences take a backseat to those of his peer group. His circle of friends influences what he wears, watches, listens to, eats, believes in, and aspires to. Because children are trying to fit in at the same time they are learning to express themselves, the pressure to conform can become an easy solution to identity confusion. For socially anxious children, peer pressure may be especially powerful, with its promise of “safety in numbers.” You can support your child by helping him talk about peer pressure, and especially, any influences he finds confusing or distasteful. It may help to ask, “How would you feel about a person who _________? Would you want that person as a friend?”
The Importance of Anchoring
For your child with anxiety to feel connected and supported, she will need a social anchor. Sports, dance, scouts, martial arts, drama, choir or band, and church youth groups can all provide your child with a base sense of security in the social world. They are readymade opportunities for finding friends who share similar interests and schedules. Hopefully, other children in these specialized peer groups will be a positive influence on her attitudes and behavior, encouraging her to stretch socially. You might try carpooling or host a small gathering for her group to encourage your child to use new skills. Take pride and show interest in her choices by attending events or performances or by volunteering to help if you can.
Bullies and Gossip
Estimates are that as many as 20 to 30 percent of children either bully, or are bullied, at some time, and that bullying is most common in the middle-school years. The effects of bullying and gossip can even be harmful to those merely observing it. It was previously believed that bullies lacked self-esteem and put others down to gain self-confidence. However, recent findings show that bullies are more confident than previously thought, but they tend to lack empathy, are poor communicators, and may be raised in homes where aggression is an acceptable response to conflict.
Gossip is verbal bullying to which girls often resort. It can include name-calling, rumors, and lies, and can have devastating effects, particularly for a child who is already anxious socially. A child who struggles with anxiety may feel she has no recourse, and the powerlessness may lead to avoidance, isolation, and depression. If you suspect your child is the victim of bullying or gossip, listen supportively and try the following:
Encourage your child to practice “safety in numbers.”
Help your child to widen her social circle.
Role-play ways to ignore and walk away from teasing or pestering.
Role-play saying no and being assertive.
Involve the school if violence, racial slurs, or serious threats of harm occur.
Alert!
If your child is passive, especially introverted, or socially awkward, he may be an especially susceptible target for bullies. It is easy to dismiss complaints about bullying as a child being too sensitive or dramatic, so please take the time to listen to what your child is saying. Your support can provide the impetus your child needs to address the problem.
Middle-School Meltdowns
Middle-school (grades six through eight or nine) can be one of the most tumultuous times for children socially. Brains are rewiring and hormones are surging, and children at this age compete for social status, which can sometimes change rapidly. If your child is already having difficulty with worry and panic, this developmental transition can be extremely painful, and making sure therapy is available is important.
A hallmark of this age is the clique, a social group that is highly exclusive and demands strict conformity. The clique usually has a “ringleader” or “queen bee” and members see themselves as superior to others outside the group. Those who do not belong can feel inferior, and even threatened, as the clique can have great social power.
Essential
When children feel snubbed by members of a clique, they may struggle with self-doubt, anxiety, anger, and even depression. Check for meltdowns or moodiness after school, and help your child to talk about social struggles and celebrate her unique strengths to help her to cope. Use the ideas on anchoring above to help your child shift focus and find alternative social outlets.
Social Support
Many elementary and middle schools offer “friendship groups” for children who are awkward or have social anxiety, or who are new to the school. Usually, a school social worker leads the groups, in addition to providing individual support to children in the school district. Groups usually meet weekly or bimonthly, and most children look forward to the time-out from class and opportunity to build friendship skills. Other social connections at school may be available through mentoring, student government, peer support, or tutoring. Check with your child's school if you think he might benefit from some of these opportunities.
