You probably will not be surprised at this point if you hear that the state of your marriage can have a deep and lasting effect on your children. Arguments and issues to resolve are normal, and in fact can teach your child how to handle conflict appropriately, as she grows. It is when yelling has no resolve, when you call each other names, and everyone walks away hurt, sad, or angry that the negative connections get made. Because you and your spouse are role models for how your child will feel and what she will come to expect from relationships, take a moment to ask yourself what you are really modeling.

Important Questions to Ask Yourself

Because of the value modeling has on the growth of your children, your relationship with your significant other will be something you want to think about, and/or make changes to. Here are a few questions to ask yourself, and think about, to determine if you child's anxiety could be decreased by some small adjustments on your part:

• Do you know how to forgive and be forgiven?

• Do you know when to let go of an argument?

• Do you know how to talk so others listen and listen so others talk?

• Do you know how to get over your past and your past wounds in the marriage?

• Do you know how to protect your children from your marital problems?

• Do you know how to restore honor and dignity to your relationship?

• Do you know how to say “I'm sorry” and “I was wrong”?

• Do you feel emotionally supported and encouraged?

When you get along and support your partner, your children will mirror you and will likely get along with each other better, and learn to be better friends and family members. If they do see you argue and fight, it is very important they also see you solve problems, make up, and hug and kiss, as well.

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

• Drs. John and Julie Gottman have been doing research and writing books on how to have a successful marriage for years. Through their extensive work in the field, they have come up with the “four horsemen of the apocalypse” which are four behaviors that they feel can cause a marriage to become a divorce. They are:

• Criticism: This will begin as a complaint that is then coupled with a global attack on your character. It frequently begins with “you always” or “you never.”

• Defensiveness: This is the counterattack used to defend one's innocence, or deny responsibility. It frequently feels like your partner is whining and dodging.

• Contempt: This has a twist of hostility or disgust to it. It will often involve mocking or sarcasm.

• Stonewalling: This is what happens when your partner acts like they are not affected by what you are saying, almost as if they have withdrawn from the conversation or you, even though they are still there physically.