Natural consequences are the automatic results of an action, and the parent usually plans logical consequences in advance, sometimes together with the child. Allowing logical or natural consequences to occur helps your child develop an internal understanding of self-control, which as you have seen, can be very helpful. You want your child to feel empowered and capable of working through his anxiety, which usually cannot happen if you overfunction, make decisions for him, or punish him. Choices are more hopeful and positive if you allow your child to make a decision, and be responsible for the consequence for that choice, all the while overcoming his personal issues with anxiety. The choice then becomes a structured learning opportunity that preserves the dignity of the child. This is because there is no punishment or shame attached to the outcome, just an opportunity to take baby steps and grow in trial and error.

Doing Too Much

This point has been mentioned multiple times because of how singularly important it is. Parents often fall into this trap and it can severely affect and limit how your child will develop if you are not careful; so here it is again: Although your desire is to help your child, especially when she is stressed or anxious, don't. Do not do for her what she can, if given the time, do for herself. Yes, sometimes it is easier to clean up for her if she is already running late, cover up her mistakes to save her self-esteem, or do her homework for her because she's having a meltdown. Children really do learn best from natural and logical consequences, not from you giving them a lecture and then doing it for them with frustration and resentments.

Natural Consequences

Natural consequences for your child's actions are most effective as long as certain criteria are met, and will often make more sense to your child than punishment. The definition is exactly as it sounds — the natural outcome of our child's choice in behavior. For example, when a child does not finish his homework a natural consequence will be a zero for the assignment, given by the teacher, and falling behind in the class. Another example might be that during the winter if your child insists on going outside without his coat, he will be cold and learn he needs to wear the coat. The natural consequence is not life-threatening and it avoids a power struggle between parent and child. This scenario will allow the natural course of events to become the teacher. An example for an older child might be that, if your teenager gets a speeding ticket, he will have to pay for it himself, and have points against his license.

The exceptions for using natural consequences are as follows: The consequence is dangerous, the consequence will be delayed for a long time (consequences work best when immediate), or the consequence causes emotional, legal, or physical problems for other children or adults.

Logical Consequences

Logical consequences do not “naturally” occur because of behavior, but are deliberately created by the parent, and as mentioned earlier, sometimes with the help of the child. Most parents already use logical consequences every day. For example, if your child is dawdling during dinner, she does not get dessert, or if she does not pick up her toys and instead plays with the dog until it is time for bed, the toys are put on a shelf for a specified amount of time. The rules for setting up logical consequences are as follows: First, announce the consequence beforehand, then relate the consequence to the issue and fit the consequence to your child's development level. Make sure that you do not negotiate, do not wait, be consistent, make sure everyone is on the same page, and be calm and respectful — no shame, no blame.

One alternative that many parents and children alike find positive is to engage the child in the consequence. This makes your child a part of the problem-solving process and feels a little less controlling. You can say to your child, “You seem to have difficulty getting yourself to bed on time, what are you thinking the consequence should be?” This does not mean you will do what your child says, but rather will take into account his thoughts. “It feels like you are pushing for a later bedtime, which is not an option; can you think of a consequence?” Depending on your child's response, you might say, “It sounds like you feel a consequence would be to turn off the TV fifteen minutes earlier so you get yourself moving. That sounds reasonable to us.”

Natural and logical consequences allow your child to be in control, because the consequence is not arbitrary; it is also direct and requires no questioning. The structures they provide are extremely important factors for a child who has anxiety.