As discussed at the beginning of the chapter, self-reliance is the ability to solve one's own problems, creating an underlying sense of autonomy and independence. Emotional resilience is the capacity to face normal, everyday hurts and disappointments to one's self-confidence, without losing self-esteem in the process. It is the ability to “bounce back.”

Characteristics of Resilient Children

It is not that emotionally resilient children are more intelligent, know more, or have superior coping skills than do nonresilient people. Rather, the difference lies in their ability to apply the coping skills that they have attained, keep a good perspective, and persist long after less resilient children become disheartened and give up. In order to help your child become a more resilient person, it is necessary to work on cultivating certain beliefs and attitudes. First, your child must believe that it is possible to cope. Resilient children trust that they have the potential to control and influence outcomes by their thoughts and actions.

Other characteristics of resilient children are that they have realistic expectations and goals for themselves, are thoughtful rather than impulsive, are effective communicators, are able to learn from past experiences, have care and concern for others, and are optimistic.

How Parents Can Help

The author Robert Brooks, Ph.D., who wrote Raising Resilient Children, believes that the most important quality we can instill in our children is resilience. It has been found that the best way to assist your child to grow in those characteristics is to use appropriate limits because children actually feel more secure and have better outcomes with structure, to give verbal reminders so your anxious child can grow in emotional resilience, and to remember to teach your child how to use calming behaviors. Additionally, express your love, praise accomplishments often, provide continual opportunities for growth so your child with anxiety can learn to manage himself better, be a good model, and finally, encourage open, nonjudgmental and nonshaming discussions that seek alternative options.

I Have, I Can, I Am

A helpful exercise that connects your child with his ability to grow in resilience is to ask him to write down three to five endings for each of the following queries: I have, I am, and I can. If he cannot write, you can brainstorm possibilities with him, write out his answers or draw them, and hang the list somewhere in his bedroom. This list can be updated as often as he likes, but at least once a month, fostering a continued ability to see himself in a positive light and be reminded of his accomplishments. For example:

Your child's ability to be resilient will not make his problems go away, but will give him the ability to see beyond them. Also, keep in mind that if you and your child look at experiences that created worry and anxiety in the past, you can learn what strategies are needed to increase personal strengths and resilience for the future.