For children who are of preschool or early elementary-school age, any conversations about weight should be very general. Discussion should encouraged the child to enjoy a healthier family lifestyle, choose better foods, get out and about more, and limit couch-potato time. Bringing weight into the conversation is probably not necessary unless your child has brought it up herself. If your child is unselfconscious about her size, making an issue of it can do more harm than good, and could turn the new family focus on fitness into an appearance issue instead of a health issue.

For older children and adolescents, it's quite probable that they are already very aware of their weight problem. Making dramatic changes to meals and suddenly signing the family up for a new gym membership will not pass unnoticed, and your teen may even resent such boldness as a tyrannical attempt to control her lifestyle, no matter how good your intentions. Discuss the issue frankly. Let your child know that fitness is a challenge the entire family will share in and that you are there for support.

Focus on Health Instead of Weight

You've always taught your child that what counts is on the inside and to never judge a book by its cover. These all the other life lessons you've passed along drive home the point that appearance doesn't matter. Yet your child's peers, the media she sees daily, and society all tend to send a much different message — that fat is ugly and thin is in.

It's extremely important that your child understands that you want to help her lose weight to improve her health and her health alone. Now, in all honesty and realism, you of course want to spare your child from the pain that “fat kids” face, such as frequent teasing and being left out of almost anything the other kids decide to do together. It is unfortunately, but older children have probably already been through some degree of emotional pain on account of their size. Your child may even long for the supposed social benefits that weight loss appears to bring. Even so, don't make being “slim and pretty” a goal of this fitness program, or you'll be setting a high value on looks and unintentionally condoning such behavior in the process. Your child needs to know that her parents value her at any size and regardless of her physical appearance.

Finally, the healthy new habits you promote will only take root and become a permanent lifestyle if you stress that they are a means to the long-term benefits of feeling better, having more energy, increasing strength and flexibility, and minimizing weight-related health risks.

Exploring Feelings

As you discuss your child's weight and a plan for promoting a healthier way of living, you may discover a full spectrum of conflicting emotions. He may feel great relief that you are facing the problem together and excitement at the prospect of making real and positive changes. However, he may also be full of less helpful emotions, including at least a few of these:

• Inward anger — Your child may blame himself for his weight problem and be full of anger because of it.

• Outward anger — Your child may be angry with you for “allowing” the problem to occur, or for pointing out the problem.

• Helplessness — Your child may feel a lack of control over his life and physical fitness level that have left him convinced that he can't make positive changes.

• Denial — Your child may refuse to recognize he is overweight, particularly if the problem has gone unmentioned by anyone for quite some time.

• Resentment — Your child may state he doesn't want your help or resent your “interference” in his life.

• Grief — Your child may feel a sense of loss at the prospect of giving up old, unhealthy habits.

Talk these issues out with your child. Encourage him to be honest about how he is feeling, with the assurance that you won't be angry or disappointed in him no matter what he shares. Everyone needs to vent occasionally, and just letting these feelings out can be beneficial. Often, he just needs to hear your reassurances that you believe in him and are there for him.

Empowering Your Child

Another essential component for positive, healthy change is to allow your child to help plan the road you'll take. Teach him to cook, let him plan your family's weekend fitness time, and let him order for himself when you eat out. Your child needs your guidance, but he also needs to feel some sense of control over his own destiny. Teach him what he needs to know to make smart choices, and then make sure he has plenty of opportunities to make those decisions.