Sexual Relationship Dynamics
Intimate sexual relationships have the potential to be the most profound and satisfying relationships you can have. They can also be the scariest, most challenging, and most frustrating. Some patterns occur commonly and are worth identifying so you can deal with them better.
Types of Relationships
There are many kinds of sexual relationships, with varying degrees of connection and commitment. Some lovers are in a committed monogamous relationship. Others have varying degrees of involvement other than having sex. Lovers can be partners for just a one-night stand. They can be friends with privileges. Some are in love. Some are not. There are many possibilities. Regardless of the type of relationship you have with a lover, the act of sex can generate some interesting dynamics between two (or more!) people.
Fear of Intimacy
Most people have some degree of fear about intimacy. Perhaps being close to someone brings up concerns about your autonomy. Perhaps closeness triggers past memories of rejection or abandonment. Sometimes sexual intimacy awakens needs for nurturing that went unmet in childhood. Sometimes being sexual will uncover painful past memories of abuse. Intimacy can evoke overwhelming feelings. Successfully dealing with these feelings can stop them from interfering with your enjoyment of sex and orgasm. It can also bring you closer to your partner.
EXERCISE: If you are currently in a relationship, talk with your partner about the feelings that intimacy brings up within you. It is important to share this information so that your partner knows that this is part of the package that is you. If you need support, consulting a therapist can be very helpful.
Sexual Vulnerability
Sex is a vulnerable act. In addition to fears of intimacy, sex can expose shame about your body or anxiety about your performance. It can challenge your ability to communicate well and take care of yourself. It can be scary. Sometimes, sex can hurt. It is important to acknowledge this. People engaging in sex are exposing vulnerabilities to each other. The more trust and sensitivity you can bring to the relationship, the better your lovemaking will go. Leave judgments behind and allow yourselves to feel your feelings, whatever they may be. That will enable you to open to the greatest enjoyment.
Sexual Compatibility
Two partners are most sexually compatible when they have similar arousal maps. When both people like the same activities, there may be an easy flow through the stages of arousal. No two sexualities are exactly the same, however. Your arousal map is inevitably different from your lover's in some regard. For instance, one of you may love kissing and really needs a lot of it to get turned on enough to do anything else. The other may not like kissing at all. If so, you have a challenge to your sexual compatibility.
Sexual compatibility can be enhanced in two ways. First, you can simply take turns pleasuring each other. It can be a real joy to offer your partner exactly what she most wants, even if it is not particularly arousing for you. Both of you can get your needs met if you focus on each other, one at a time. Secondly, you can learn to expand your arousal map. The things that turn your partner on may be things you could open up to enjoying as well. In Chapter 4 you learned that you can enhance enjoyment of your erogenous zones by connecting them to the pleasure of your genitals. Likewise, activities that do not initially excite you may become more arousing as you repeatedly associate them with the excitement your partner feels about them.
Discrepancy in Desire
A discrepancy in desire is a very common phenomenon in relationships wherein one person wants more sexual interaction than the other. Since no two sexualities are the same, this is to be expected. There is no right or wrong amount of desire for sexual connection. There are only different amounts. Dealing with a discrepancy usually requires some compromise from both parties. The partner that wants more sex more often may need to take care of his own needs more by self-pleasuring. The partner less interested in sex at the time may be willing to assist her lover by kissing or stroking him while he self-pleasures. There are many ways to make creative compromises that work for all parties involved.
Couples dealing with significant differences in desire levels can benefit from paying close attention to the preconditions for sex held by the partner with less frequent desire. Working together to meet these preconditions is the most cooperative way to enjoy more satisfaction with sex.
Alert
Pressuring your lover to have sex when her preconditions are not met is usually counter-productive. It can actually make sex less frequent, because a power struggle prevents authentic sexual desire from freely emerging. Similarly, neglecting to create conditions under which you are likely to feel sexual may also undermine your own enjoyment as well as the health of your relationship.
Making Time for Sex
There is a common belief that sex should be spontaneous. You and your lover may have the kind of lifestyle that allows for that. But if you don't, you may need to actually schedule a regular time for sex if it's going to happen with any consistency. This is particularly true in relationships where the two of you have been together for a while or when there are kids in the picture. There is no reason why sex can't be planned. You plan other enjoyable activities, like going out to eat, going for a walk, and going to the movies. If you know your preconditions for sex, then satisfying them can be a part of getting you in the mood. Of course, if the time comes and it is not possible to meet your preconditions, no one should feel that he has to have sex simply because it says so on the calendar.
Initiating Sex
Another common dynamic in couples is the question of who initiates sex and how they go about it. Sometimes the person who wants sex more often is the one who tends to initiate it. Sometimes, to reduce the incidence of rejected offers, initiation is left up to the person who wants sex less often. Sometimes couples take turns, each enjoying both asking and being asked. You may want to consider how sex is initiated in your relationship and whether you are happy or frustrated with your dynamic.
There are several common frustrations. You may not like how often your initiatives are turned down. You may not like feeling pressured to be sexual when you are not in the mood. You may want to be wooed, wined, and dined. Or you may prefer to be asked directly. You may want to be the seducer some of the time and be seduced at other times.
Fact
Studies have shown that men tend to initiate sex an average of three times more frequently than women. Studies have also shown that for couples in which initiation of sex is more equal, both women and men are more sexually satisfied. Surprise!
The key to resolving these frustrations is to talk together about your preconditions for sex. If you get rejected often, you can reduce the incidence by putting more energy into satisfying your partner's preconditions and less effort into asking for sex when you know those preconditions are not met. If you feel pressure from your partner, you can take charge of the situation by meeting your own preconditions and expressing more clearly what you do want from your partner.
