You're planning another wedding for your daughter, and tradition be darned, she wants another big affair. Her reasoning is that while this may be her second trip to the altar, it's her fiancé's first, and he wants a big wedding. She doesn't want her side of the church to be empty, and she wants to see lots of friendly, familiar faces at the reception, so she wants you to break out that address book and invite the usual suspects — again. Is this proper etiquette? Is it any of your business?

The Rule

Etiquette states that a second wedding should be a smaller event than the first one was. As stated in Chapter 8, this rule has its basis in morality, wherein it's deemed inappropriate for a bride or groom to flout broken marriage vows and replace them with newer, hopefully better promises to someone else. While many people (perhaps some of your potential guests, even) may agree with this notion, this dictate came about in the age when second marriages were nothing less than scandalous. Nowadays, just about everybody has a human face to put with the word “remarriage,” which has lessened the shock factor of the term considerably.

Still, this is a case-by-case scenario. Some folks tend to have a very rigid view of marriage and remarriage — and if this isn't the bride's first time down the aisle, she's likely to be judged by certain groups as being either morally corrupt or crazy. Generally speaking, if your entire family can best be described as extremely pious, forget about inviting them to the second wedding. Your daughter will spend the day under their moral microscopes, if they decide to come at all.

To Invite or Not to Invite?

So you know the official line of etiquette on the guest list for second weddings. You neither agree nor disagree, and you don't know what you should do. Where do you go from here? You are the best judge of your guests' reaction to being invited to a big second wedding. Will they gossip over the decision to have another big wedding? Will they come? Will they be angry at being expected to give another gift?

If you really have no problem with the situation but you're a little leery about the guests' reaction, remember the advice that was given at the beginning of this chapter: You'll never make everyone happy with the wedding guest list — not even for a first wedding. Sometimes, the only thing you can do is to put yourself on the line. Those who are going to be judgmental will be (and they would be even if they weren't invited to the wedding), and those who want to wish the couple well will. You can't intervene and force everyone to accept the invitation and/or the marriage, so send the invitations and let the rest take care of itself.

Former Family Members

Should the bride's ex-in-laws be invited to a second wedding? Probably not. If your daughter's very best friend in the world happens to be her ex-husband's sister, you can make an exception to this rule, but otherwise, keep the exes out of it. It's not common for a bride to remain close to her former in-laws, for one thing, and how will the new groom's family react to being forced to mingle with the former groom's kin?

Not every second marriage is the result of divorce, however. If your daughter is a widow and is planning to remarry, she may have some questions as to what is proper and what isn't. The rule for remarriage after death is the same — a smaller affair this time around, out of respect for her deceased husband.

Should the bride invite her late husband's in-laws? If she's remained close to them, she should. Ideally, they should hear about the wedding from her before they receive an invitation in the mail. If she hasn't spoken to these folks in ages, she really doesn't need to include them in the guest list; it wouldn't make sense to do so.