Once you and your daughter have fleshed out some of the overall ideas for her wedding, the time will come to decide whether or not you will want to hold an engagement party. The options are endless, but try not to let the engagement party outshine the wedding with all the new excitement in the air!

The Etiquette of Engagement Parties

The bride's family has the option of throwing the first engagement party, according to traditional wedding etiquette. You are not in any way obligated to do so, and if you're planning on contributing mightily to the wedding itself, you may feel as though the responsibility of hosting this party should really fall on someone else's shoulders. Whatever position you find yourself in (hostess or guest), you'll need to know what to do, what to wear, and what you'll say when everyone raises their champagne flutes and looks to you.

The Basics

You've decided to follow tradition and toast your daughter and soon-to-be son-in-law. When? Where? How? It's best to plan the engagement party well in advance of other pre-wedding events (as discussed in Chapter 6) so that it stands on its own for what it is — a happy celebration of the couple's decision to spend their lives together. If the bride and groom are having a long engagement (a year or longer), an engagement party would be appropriate six to eight months before the actual ceremony.

Different hosts have different ideas for engagement parties. Can you go all out and book the fanciest hotel in the city for this event? Sure. But might you also go to the other extreme and clean off the grill for an outdoor patio engagement party? Yes (as long as the bride and groom don't have a serious problem with an ultracasual affair). Keep in mind that the engagement party shouldn't outshine the wedding. If your daughter is planning a simple little ceremony, the engagement party should be scaled down to a similar level of informality.

Obviously, the location of the event and the time of day will play a large part in dictating the menu. Most engagement parties tend to swing toward cocktails and hors d'oeuvres, but you can certainly break with that tradition if you have your heart set on a catered meal with all the accoutrements. (Chances are your guests won't complain if you want to spoil them a bit.) And no matter how formal the party gets, the couple shouldn't expect to be opening gifts by night's end — presents are not given at engagement parties.

The Guest List

Guest lists for an engagement party cause some hostesses a lot of grief. It's best to stick with the old standard rule: Anyone who is invited to a pre-wedding party must also be invited to the wedding. It's just in poor taste to invite a guest to celebrate an upcoming event … and then exclude them from that very event.

Put yourself in the position of these guests of convenience: Would you want to attend a party to honor people who weren't going to somehow squeeze you into the major festivities? You'd probably feel hurt when you learned that you weren't important enough to the engaged couple to make the final cut.

Be Their Guest

If someone else (the groom's family, the bride's friends, or the bride and groom themselves) decides to host the engagement party, what are you expected to do? You're expected to show up and to be good company. You're expected to lend a hand if and when you're needed to — without crossing into controlling territory, which means you'll attend the party with an on-call attitude. You won't be involved in the planning, and you won't be responsible for the execution of the party, but because you are the MOB, you really should keep an eye out for any trouble spots. Is the host having trouble greeting guests and hanging their coats? Grab some hangers and help out. Are some of the guests looking for napkins and having no luck? Pop into the kitchen and grab a stack.

It's easy to fall into the trap of doing so much that the host actually gets offended — as though you're trying to take over a party that you're not sponsoring — so when in doubt, ask. Being helpful is a wonderful trait in an MOB, and few folks would refuse the assistance — but some will.