Movin' On, and Movin' In
You know the newlywed zone is fraught with peril for the average mother-in-law. Well, then, what will you do if you're asked to help the kids find and/or settle into their new home? Surely you're allowed to let your advice flow freely, especially if your daughter and her husband (or fiancé) are doing things wrong. You have to tell them about the proper time to move in together (i.e., after the wedding), and you would just hate to see them move into a place that they won't be able to afford. (What you'd really hate more is to end up supporting them.) Wait a minute, Mom. Before you get on your soapbox, learn how to tone down your advice to make sure you're not being judgmental on some topics.
Move-In DebatesAlthough it's common nowadays for engaged couples to move in together before the wedding, there are still moms out there who don't approve of the setup. It's also not unheard of for a mom to condemn the move and to give her daughter the silent treatment for bringing shame on the family name.
While this is understandable — to a point — it may be that a mother who is so viscerally opposed to the bride and groom establishing a household prior to the wedding is experiencing a culture gap firsthand.
Remember, a lot of things were shameful years ago: A married woman working outside of the home was scandalous; women who remained unmarried were viewed as completely undesirable; divorce was unthinkable. These are common practices today, right alongside couples living together before the ink dries on the marriage license.
This is the environment of the day; this is what your daughter's generation does. She's not following the crowd — she's realizing that moving in together before marriage actually has its benefits, some of which include:
The couple is able to adjust to living with one another long before the drama and emotion surrounding a wedding affect their abilities to cohabitate.
Wedding gifts can be sent directly to their home.
After the honeymoon, they'll return home. They won't have to be concerned about packing things and moving them at an otherwise very hectic time.
They won't be moving into a home filled with surprises after the wedding; they'll know what their monthly heating, water, and electricity bills will be.
So, although you may not be gung ho on the idea of them moving in together, if she's already engaged to this guy, she's obviously serious about spending the rest of her life with him.
After the HoneymoonSome couples still wait until after the wedding to move in together. These newlyweds are faced with finding an apartment or a house that will be available for them to move into right after the honeymoon. Of course, another option is for one of them to keep his or her current home and simply shuffle some things around to make room for the new spouse. This is infinitely easier if it's at all possible.
However, if the bride and groom are house hunting for a new place, they may ask you to help out or to take a look at a certain abode and to give your opinion. Let them know that they should really start looking for a house as soon as they decide they're in the market for one; an apartment usually takes less time to find, and four months of searching should be sufficient.
What should they be looking for? Above all else, they should try to find something that they can afford. There's nothing more depressing (and nothing that ages young folks faster) than being broke. Money is a huge issue in many marriages — and in many divorces. Poverty breeds unhappiness, which breeds resentment, which breeds division in a relationship. If the kids are looking at a home that is clearly out of their price range, advise them to sit down and run the numbers themselves — without the “help” of a real estate agent, who is banking on her own commission.
This Goes HereYou've been running your own household for years. You know the most efficient way to set up a kitchen, you know which colors complement each other in the dining room, and you know how to present a work of art so that visitors feel as though they've stepped into a gallery. If your daughter didn't inherit your gift for interior design, you're going to have to help her out.
This can be a very generous offer, as long as she wants the help. If she's asking you to help her unpack in her new home, she isn't necessarily giving you permission to duplicate your floor plan on her turf. You may have suggestions, and it's fine to present them to her — but if she has ideas of her own, try to quiet your own instincts. She'll find out on her own, eventually, if her way isn't the best. Meanwhile, if you argue with her over the placement of the silverware drawer in the kitchen, she'll keep the spoons in the most inconvenient spot until she moves out, just to prove to you that she was right.
