If you divorced your husband years ago, by now the two of you may have worked out a peaceful (if distant) coexistence. The kids haven't heard the two of you argue with each other in a decade or more, and your lives are completely separate at this point. Even if you aren't exactly the best of friends, this is a somewhat amicable relationship. You are better off apart, and your children are happier for it, too. If this describes you, the wedding plans will most likely proceed without a lot of infighting and backstabbing.

If, on the other hand, the divorce was more recent and there are still unresolved issues between you and the man who used to be your spouse, this wedding could take your relationship from bad to worse. Why? A daughter's wedding is an emotional experience for people who are feeling fairly stable in their lives — it goes without saying that it can be extremely emotional for parents of the bride who are at odds with one another.

Mr. Moneybags

Money is a huge flash point in many divorces. If your husband owes you a bundle from the sale of joint property, for example, and he's been dragging his feet on cutting you a check, you may have very mixed emotions when he sweeps into town offering to pay for your daughter's entire wedding. He's her hero right now, regardless of their prior relationship. Sure, you're happy that she's going to get the wedding she's always dreamed of, but you're scraping by every month. You can't afford to contribute much at this point, which makes you feel awful — but if your ex would just hand over the money you're owed, you could come off looking like super parent, too.

What do you do when your ex isn't playing fair with the wedding finances? Sit back and watch as money that is rightfully yours is spent on flowers and bonbons — while you rack up more and more in life-related debt? Your best bet is to shut down any chance of this happening in the first place. When your daughter first becomes engaged, let your ex know that you won't allow him to throw money at her until he's given you what's yours. This is not a matter of pettiness, as you well know — it's a matter of fairness and a matter of necessity, as well. Chances are, one way or the other, your daughter is going to have a splendid wedding. It would be nice, though, if you and her dad could both be benefactors of the big day.

The New Mrs.

Your husband has a new wife in his life, and she seems to have definite ideas for your daughter's wedding. Unless you and your ex's wife are friendly with one another (which is not an uncommon situation — though you should still consider yourself lucky if the two of you can be civil to each other), you might find yourself preparing to go head-to-head with her over the menu, the reception site, and the guest list. This is not how you envisioned your role as MOB — you thought you would be the only MOB.

First, you have to take stock of what's really going on between you and your ex's new wife. If the two of you have a long-standing feud with one another, trying to co-plan a wedding is going to be difficult at best. Because weddings are such an emotional time, there's a chance that you'll be more irritated than usual with each other as you try to compromise without really giving into her (or her to you) on anything. On the other hand, this could be a perfect time for you two to finally realize what's important (your daughter is important enough to both of you that you want to make sure the wedding is beautiful) and what isn't (namely, the past).

Another thing to consider is how much each of you is throwing into the wedding pot. While it may not seem fair to you if your ex-husband is paying for most of this wedding, his wife does have a right to pipe up now and then regarding the details. If the bride has a real problem with her stepmother's opinions, that's a whole separate issue, and the way to handle it is unique to each family. Your daughter might feel comfortable putting her foot down on certain issues, or she may appeal to her father — or she just might come to you to intervene on her behalf.

Unless you and the stepmother are on good terms, this is a risky proposition. Nothing good will come of your middleman approach; in fact, it will probably make things much worse all the way around, for many reasons:

Your ex's wife will feel that you and your daughter are teaming up against her.

Your ex will be forced to actively choose a side. Family turmoil will follow.

These are the types of fights that go on forever, precisely because the atmosphere surrounding a wedding is so emotional.

Implore your daughter to act like an adult and to be assertive with her stepmother or appeal to her dad.

The Bride's Stepdad

Your husband is a man among men. He happens to be the bride's stepfather, and she also happens to be very close to her “real dad.” You fear that someone's feelings are going to be hurt along the way, because, after all, only one of these men can escort her down the aisle, right? How can you persuade her to choose your husband, who is, after all, the dad who's physically been around all of these years? Many brides are having both their father and stepfather walk them down the aisle if the bride is close to both. Leave this decision in your daughter's hands and she will typically know how to relay the news to both father and stepfather.

This is completely the bride's choice, and no matter what's happened between you and her dad (or her and her dad) over the years, she shouldn't be pressured or guilted into choosing one man over the other. Even if you think she's making a wrong choice and basing it on sentimentality, zip the lip. It's her wedding, and this is what she wants. This is one thing that is absolutely not up to you to criticize or attempt to influence.

Fact

If the bride's father is deceased, she may choose to have one of her brothers escort her down the aisle, even if you remarried years ago. A stepfather should walk her down the aisle only if it's her choice, and only if they're close.

Unless your former and current husbands have huge issues to work out (one has stolen money from the other, or one has stolen a wife from the other), they may be content to leave each other alone and get on with life. If your husband and your ex have very little to do with each other and barely acknowledge each other's existence, you can't expect them to act chummy at the reception; just be thankful they're not roping off the dance floor for a fight to the finish.

• Delicate Situations
• An Ex-Family Reunion