Conflicts between people are extremely common and can be debilitating for a team. Using the old eighty-twenty rule, you can bet that 80 percent of your conflict problems will come from a small portion of conflict types. As life goes, that nettlesome minority is usually all personal.

People Ignoring People

Useless conflict between people usually happens when one party feels a personal agenda ignored by the other. Some of the reasons it can come about include strong negative feelings, either from situations at work or home, or from unclear communication. But the real villain is often disagreements, because they tend to be the longest lasting. Disagreements may come about from differing perceptions or attitudes like prejudice, resistance to change, or a bias against change.

Get the Private Story

You have to start by understanding the reason for the personal conflict. You'll likely need to speak with the team members involved and listen to their versions of events. Often, the people may not be able to articulate what exactly is bothering them, or they might give one explanation when another is the true issue. You also might need to speak with other members of the team to get a clear view and one less tinted by the conflict.

What you are doing is gathering material to further your own understanding, not to make a judgment or a decision. Talk to team members one on one or else there will be so much potential struggle that you might grasp with the issues.

Get the Public Story

Speaking with everyone involved all in the same room at the same time is also mandatory. You want them to get back to work with each other, not with you. Present the issue without emotion, blame, or judgment. Speak in the first person, such as, “I see that there is an issue with such-and-such,” and not in the third person, because that helps keep you from making value judgments that will repel one or both sides. Clearly convey what you have learned without blaming any person or group. Make sure all parties express their points of view, and listen actively and without judgment. Then give your point of view clearly. Have the participants repeat it in their own words.

Ask for Help

In case it hasn't been clear, you need to involve the team members in the resolution. That should help increase cooperation and somewhat reduce anyone's feeling of being attacked. The more everyone helps to create a solution, the more each person has invested and the more likely he will be to actually make the agreed-upon changes.

Start by trying to build a common objective. People cannot agree to a solution if they don't agree on what they should be trying to do. Brainstorm to find possible solutions. Identify more than one way to end the conflict without actually evaluating each option. If you look at only one idea, someone will feel forced. On the other hand, if you have a number of ideas, people have some choice.

Next, select the solution that has the best chance of meeting everyone's needs. Evaluate the proposed solutions, keeping in mind that sometimes the best solution will be a combination of several suggestions.

Plan for Action

Develop a realistic plan of action and determine who will do what, when, where, and how. Using the chosen solution, plan what actions are necessary to ensure its success. Make a schedule and give a copy to everyone involved. Decide how each party will know if the solution is working and what criteria will tell you that the objective has been met.

Work the Plan

You implement the jointly developed plan and plan on following up to keep things on track. Evaluate the success based on the joint objective. Be sure to schedule time to meet so that the people involved can review progress and develop revisions or even alternative solutions if necessary.