Nuts from the Family Tree
Mother: What's the best way to discipline children?
Father: Start at the bottom.
Ashley: Everyone says I got my good looks from my father.
Jason: Oh, is he a plastic surgeon?
“My older brother thinks he's a chicken.”
“You should take him to a doctor.”
“Why? We need the eggs.”
Mother: Darling, will you still love me when my hair is gray?
Father: Why not? I loved you through those five other colors.
At the airport, Mother turned to Father and said, “I sure wish we had brought the television with us.”
“Why is that?” asked Father.
“Because I left the plane tickets on it.”
“We got a dog for my little brother.” “I wish my Dad would let me make a trade like that.”
Karl and Ben went out hunting. They were just bedding down in their tents one night when a huge snarling bear lumbered into their campsite. Karl quickly knelt down and started lacing up his sneakers.
“What good will that do?” shouted Ben. “You can't outrun a bear.”
Karl replied, “I only have to outrun you!”
A very proud grandmother was walking through the park, pushing her two grandchildren in a stroller. A young woman walked by and said, “My, what fine looking little boys. They must be your grandsons.” “Yes they are,” said the grandmother. “How old are they?” asked the younger woman. “The lawyer is three and the doctor is two.”
Jason: What's it like having a twin sister?
Megan: It's just like being an only child. Except twice.
“Mom, guess what? I won the election for class president!”
“Did you have to bring that up?”
“Humor has to come in under cover of darkness, in disguise, and surprise people.”
— Garrison Keillor
“Dad, where is yesterday's newspaper?”
“Your mother wrapped the garbage in it and threw it away.”
“Darn, I wanted to see it.”
“There wasn't much to see. Just some old egg cartons and dogfood cans and apple cores and …”
“My dad used to write for TV. He wrote The Jeffersons, The Hughleys, and The PJ's.”
“Did they ever write back?”
“I can always tell when my big brother is lying.”
“He moves his lips.”
“What are you having for dinner tonight?”
“Yeah, leftover TV dinners.”
“My brother made a right turn from the left lane and crashed into another car. The other driver jumped out and yelled at my brother.
Why didn't you signal? he asked.”
“What did your brother say?”
“He said, ‘Why should I signal? I always turn here.’”
My Dad is a real pessimist. He just opened up a new Chinese restaurant and he only sells misfortune cookies.
“Doctor, my sister thinks she's an elevator. Can you help her?”
“Have her come up to my office.”
“I would, but she doesn't stop at your floor.”
“George Washington's parents were really thoughtful.”
“What makes you say that?”
“They made sure their kid was born on a holiday.”
Troy: Mom! Megan said I was dumb.
Mother: Megan, apologize to your brother!
Megan: Okay. I'm sorry you're dumb.
“My sister loves to eat.” “What's her favorite food?” “Seconds.”
Troy: Your piano playing stinks!
Megan: Well, for your information, that piece I was playing is very difficult.
Troy: Too bad it's not impossible.
“My brother is connected with the police.”
“How's he connected?”
Alex: My dad lost his wallet with over three hundred bucks in it.
Alex: And he's offering a reward of twenty dollars to whoever finds it.
Troy: I'll give you thirty.
Three comedians were asked which is funnier: a witty line or someone slipping on a banana peel.
Fran Lebowitz and Ellen DeGeneres both said that falling down is funnier. Lily Tomlin said it “depends on who's doing the slipping.”
Amy: Dad, the landlord is here for the rent.
Father: Tell him I'm not home.
Amy: I can't lie like that!
Father: All right, I'll tell him myself.
Alex: Mom, I think it's time I got an allowance.
Mother: How about I give you double what I give your little brother, Matt?
Alex: But Matt gets zero allowance.
Mother: Okay, so I'll give you triple.
A young boy was telling his teacher all about the new addition to his family. “And every night,” complained the boy, “little Kevin wakes everyone up with his crying.”
“Well, he's just a wee little thing,” said the teacher.
“No,” said the boy. “He's a wee-wee thing. That's why he's crying.”
Mother: Why did you kick your little brother in the stomach?
Jimmy: He turned around.
Teacher: How do you make antifreeze?
Rosie: Steal her blanket.
The real-estate agent told the family, “I'll be honest with you. This house has its good points as well as its bad points.”
“What are the bad points?” asked the father.
“Just north of here is a toxic waste dump.
And just south is a huge hog farm.”
“What are the good points?” asked the mother.
“You can always tell which way the wind is blowing.”
In the middle of a sweltering summer afternoon, the Thomas family was entertaining out-of-town guests. When supper was ready, the father asked the youngest son to say the blessing.
The boy whispered to his father, “But what do I say?”
The father replied, “Just say what you've heard me say before.”
So the boy bowed his head and said in a loud voice, “Oh Lord, why in heaven's name did I ever invite these people on a hot day like today?”
Jimmy: My sister thinks I'm too nosy.
Troy: Did she tell you that?
Jimmy: No, that's what I read in her diary.
“What are you drawing, honey?”
“A picture of God.”
“But no one knows what God looks like.”
“They will when I'm finished with this.”
“My brother has laryngitis, so he's talking with his hands.”
“Is that why he's snapping his fingers?”
“Yeah, he has the hiccups.”
Danny: Guess what, Dad? Mom backed the car out of the garage and ran right over my new bike.
Father: That'll teach you to leave it parked out on the front lawn.
“Young man, there were two cookies in the jar last night, and this morning there is only one.
How do you explain that?”
“It was so dark, I guessed I missed it.”
My mom gets carsickness every month — when she looks at the payment.
Mother: Rosie! Why did you fall in the mud puddle with your new dress on?
Rosie: There wasn't time to take it off.
Father: I think our son must get his brains from me.
Mother: Probably, because I still have all mine.
Matt: Dad! The dog just ate the pie Mom finished baking.
Father: That's all right, son, don't worry. We'll get you a new dog.
Did you hear about the nervous father who is pacing up and down in the hospital lobby, waiting to hear about the birth of his first child? Finally, after several hours, the nurse arrives. The father runs up to her and asks, “Nurse, tell me, is it a boy?” The nurse says calmly, “Well, the middle one is.”
Mother: Boys, stop fighting! Who started this anyway?
Nick: Matt started it when he hit me back.
Aunt Missy: Do you know what an opera is, Rosie?
Rosie: Yeah, it's where someone gets stabbed and instead of bleeding they sing.
A grandmother took her little five-year-old grandson with her shopping. At one point in the store the little boy said loudly, “I have to go pee-pee.” The grandmother shook her head and said, “No, dear. When you need to use the bathroom you say that you have to whisper. All right?”
That night the five-year-old woke up at midnight and toddled into his parents' bedroom. “Daddy,” he said, tugging on his father's arm, “I have to whisper! I have to whisper!”
The father sleepily turned over on his side and said, “All right, son. Go ahead and whisper right in my ear.”
A pictograph is a very simple drawing of something funny. Can you guess what this little picto-laugh is showing? HINT: Think about a game of hide-n-seek!
“My sister ran the hundred-yard dash in five seconds.”
“That's impossible! The world record isn't even eight seconds.”
“She knows a short cut.”
“Do you have to make so much noise when you eat?”
“Our teacher told us to start the day with a sound breakfast.”
Ben: Why are you jumping up and down?
Karl: I just took some medicine, and the bottle said to shake well.
“You sure take your car in for lots of repairs.”
“I know, my dad is always braking it.”
Mother: Why are you standing in front of the mirror with your eyes shut?
Melody: I want to see what I look like asleep.