I heard on the news that a nuclear scientist accidentally ate some uranium, and now he has atomic ache! “How's your sister coming along with her new jigsaw puzzle?” “She can't figure it out. I'm afraid she's going to pieces.”

Did you hear they fired the cross-eyed school teacher? He couldn't control his pupils.

Did you hear about the lobster that bought a new car? It was a crustacean wagon.

“Does your brother have a job?” “He works at the hospital as a night orderly.” “Oh, a pan-handler, huh?”

Doctor: Have your eyes ever been checked? Kyle: No, they've always been blue.

What did one Moroccan boy say to the other? “I can't remember your name, but your fez is familiar.”

A misshapen ogre made his living by ringing the bells at a famous cathedral in France. One day the ogre lost his footing on the roof of the cathedral and plummeted 200 feet to his death in the courtyard below. Two priests rushed to the ogre's side. The first priest asked, “Is that the Hunchback of Notre Dame?” The second priest replied, “No, but he's a dead ringer.”

Tyler: My dad is so strong, he can hold up several cars at once using one hand. Brian: What does he do? Tyler: He's a policeman. Brian: Big deal! My dad is a lot stronger. He can hold up an entire bank by just handing a little note to the teller.

What's the best way to avoid falling hair? Jump out of the way!

Dottie was having trouble learning her directions, especially the difference between north and south. So her mother tried a little quiz. “Dottie, if you were standing with your back to the east, and your face to the west, what would be on your right hand?''Dottie said, “Four fingers and a thumb.”

Teacher: My goodness, Amy! You've been burping all morning. Amy: It must have been those belchin' waffles I ate for breakfast.

Matty: We learned today that people who live north of the Arctic Circle eat whale meat and blubber. Mary: I'd blubber too if that's all I had to eat.

Mom: Amy, what are you doing home from school so early? Amy: The teacher asked me how far I could count, so I counted all the way home.

“My aunt always nagged my uncle to buy her a Jaguar.” “Did he ever get one?” “Yeah, then it ate her up!”

Circus Clown: How do you like your new job? Trapeze Artist: I'm finally getting the hang of things.

How do you measure a dog's temperature? By pedigrees.

I feel sorry for the two lighthouse keepers. Their marriage is on the rocks. Young earthworm: This dirt tastes terrible. Mother earthworm: I don't understand. It was fresh ground this morning.

You heard about the glass blower who inhaled? He got a pane in his stomach.

What did the Cub Scout say when he fixed the horn on his bike? Beep repaired!Why does your dog go round and round before he lies down? He's a self-winding watchdog.

A music store was robbed last night. The burglar broke in, stole a drum, and beat it! Why is that woolly sheep scratching itself? Because it has fleece.

Teacher: Alex, why are you brushing your teeth during class? Alex: I want to be ready for the oral exam.

Did you hear about the two silkworms who had a race? They ended in a tie.

That movie was terrible. I've seen a better film on dirty teeth.

Why did the bank robber flee to the nudist colony? That's where he had his hide out.

What do you see when the smog clears in southern California? U.C.L.A.

What part of a car is responsible for causing the most accidents? The nut located behind the wheel.

CLUELESS KIDS

They think that …

“Doctor, can you help me? I keep thinking I'm a packet of biscuits.” “Biscuits? Oh, you mean those little square packets you crumble up for your soup?” “Yes, exactly.” “Then you must be crackers!”

“You look awful, Stanley. Flu?” “Yeah, and crashed!”

I read that Tibet is the noisiest place on earth. Everywhere you look it's Yak, Yak, Yak!

Did you hear about the Siamese twins who went to Prague for major surgery? They came out as separate Czechs.

“This report card should be underwater!” “Because it's so wet?” “No, because it's below “C” level!”

What happened to the origami store that used to be on the corner? It folded.

An inexperienced hunter was deep in the woods and kept following a set of tracks — until the train ran him over!

Fill Me In

Color in all the shapes with exactly three sides to find the answer to this riddle: Why did Silly Billy throw a stick of butter out the window?

Why did Silly Billy throw a stick of butter out of the window ?

Karl: Darn, I left my watch back up on that hill. Ben: Should we go up and get it? Karl: Nah, it'll run down by itself.

Gretchen: Every morning my dog and I go for a tramp in the woods. Heather: Sounds delightful. Gretchen: Yes, but the tramp is getting real tired of it.

At a fancy hotel, a man walks in and asks the desk clerk, “Do you take children?”

“No sir,” replied the clerk. “Only checks and American Express.”

The farmer came in from the barn and said to his wife:“I shot the cow.”

“Was he a mad cow?” “Let's just say he wasn't too happy about it.”

A once-famous rock star told her friend, “The last time I made an appearance at that night-club, I drew a line five blocks long.”

Her friend asked, “Did they make you erase it?”

“I think I have a good head on my shoulders.” “You sure have a point there.”

Why do you keep a sun lamp in your lunchbox? It's a light lunch.

FUNNY BUSINESS

Did you realize that if 3M and Goodyear ever merged they could call themselves MMMGood?

And if Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Nabisco Crackers ever joined forces, they would be called Poly-Warner-Cracker.

A PUN-OPLY FOR PUN LOVERS

Here's an alphabetical list of old or obsolete words that all mean “pun.” Some of these words are over 500 years old!

bull carrawitchet clinch crotchet figary flim jerk liripoop pundigrion quarterquibble quillet quirk sham whim

If you always have a pun up your sleeve that you can't wait to try out on your friends, you are said to be “liripoopionated.”

And if you pun way too much, your friends can accuse you of “quibble-ism.”