A mummy is an Egyptian who's pressed for time.

I saw a sign on the back of a truck: “Careful Passing. I Like to Chew Tobacco.”

I'm a terrible cook. All the gingerbread boys I make are nearsighted so I've started using contact raisins.

What do you get if you cross a hill with an electric stove? A mountain range.

My mom went to the beauty salon and got a mud pack — for three days she looked great — then the mud fell off.

The standup comic Henny Youngman is called the King of the One-Liners. Rodney Dangerfield and Steven Wright are also terrific one-line jokesters. Here's one of Wright's loopy one-liners: “I live on a one-way, deadend street. I don't know how I got there.”