There are popular American customs associated with the wedding day and the weekend preceding the wedding. It is important to realize that not every one of these customs, no matter how time-honored, is considered by Judaism to be appropriate for a Jewish wedding, though some might be. A classic bachelor party, rife with debauchery, obviously would not lend itself to the foundation of a Jewish wedding day. At the same time, customs that are not necessarily Jewish — such as gifts given to the wedding party — are commendable. In the best of worlds, a bride and groom will find ways to transform the American customs they like into customs that are productive for their Jewish wedding.

Bachelor Parties

Bachelor parties are not a Jewish tradition, but you can transform yours into a fun, meaningful, and potentially moving tradition of your own. Many grooms feel that the orgiastic bachelor parties of the past are not in keeping with their personal vision of their wedding day. Titillating thoughts of other women as objects have no place within the day they are about to share with their bride.

A groom's wedding day should be his most meaningful day together with his bride, celebrating an equal relationship of honoring each other, not doing things of which he could not comfortably inform her. More and more grooms today are opting for bachelor parties that are very different from the decadence of the past. Some popular ideas are golfing parties, fishing parties, and catered affairs with friends at which toasts are made to the groom. Some grooms even choose to go with their friends to perform community service together, an honorable way to prepare for one's new life as a married man while bonding with buddies.

In some Jewish communities, family and friends make a meal for the bride and groom, together if they are seeing each other the night before the wedding, or separately if they are not seeing each other for several days before the wedding. These meals are a far cry from something that one would be reluctant to share with one's future spouse. Though very celebratory, such a pre-Jewish-wedding meal would celebrate the change and growth the bride and groom are about to undergo at their wedding, not lament it as a lost freedom.

These meals are sometimes held in the home of the bride or groom or, similar to a rehearsal dinner, at a hotel or restaurant. They are small meals of the bride and groom's family and friends at which toasts and a l'chaim are made to them offering encouragement and wishes of mazel tov. Usually a divar torah, a word of Torah, or some Jewish spiritual or religious thoughts, are said to the bride or groom. These words are important since they serve to sanctify and focus the meal on the bride or groom and on giving them insight into the great step they are about to take. They emphasize how meaningful, important, and holy a day it will be.

Cakes and Other Wedding Day Traditions

There is nothing wrong with a four-tiered wedding cake in Judaism's eyes, especially if this is something you have always dreamed of and is kosher. Yet at the same time, Judaism does discourage wasted opulence or haughty show. If the cost of your cake will be exorbitant and it will be a work of art only to be consumed momentarily, perhaps you should consider a more modest cake by a less well-known cake artist and donate the money you save to a deserving charity. Indeed, in Jewish tradition the act of giving to others in need is considered one of the greatest joys.

The custom of carrying candles down the aisle is found at both Jewish and non-Jewish weddings. At non-Jewish weddings they are usually referred to as unity candles. Those accompanying the bride and groom carry candles and then at the end of the ceremony the couple lights a third unity candle symbolizing the two partners coming together as one. There is a similar Jewish custom in which those accompanying the bride and groom each carry candles, but the couple does not light a unity candle. Often, the candles are braided havdalah candles, those used at the end of the Shabbat in the havdalah ceremony each week to mark the separation of weekday from Shabbat.

Giving Away the Bride

In many non-Jewish, especially Christian, weddings, the bride is “given away” by her father. This custom dates back to a time when the ownership of a daughter was transferred from father to husband. This is not a Jewish custom. In Judaism, a woman who reaches the age of twelve becomes an adult and is considered independent. She therefore must agree to the marriage on her own. If she does not fully agree to the marriage she is not, in the eyes of Jewish law, married. Though it is fine for the bride to be escorted down the aisle by her father, the marriage ceremony itself takes place solely between the bride and the groom with no one acting as an agent.

Flowers

Flowers seem to be ubiquitous at Jewish and non-Jewish weddings alike. Flowers at weddings go back to the Roman era when different kinds of flowers were seen as representing various virtues such as love and fidelity. Some claim that flowers at a Jewish wedding represent the Garden of Eden and the first wedding of Adam and Eve or the Midrashic sources that describe flowers blossoming at Mount Sinai when God gave the Jewish people the Torah and thereby “married” them. Flowers are not considered particularly Jewish or not Jewish; provided exorbitant amounts of money are not frivolously spent paying for them, decorative flowers are certainly in line with the joy and celebration of a Jewish wedding.

Tossing Rice and Other Customs

Rice is usually seen as a particularly non-Jewish wedding day custom. Except for certain Sephardic communities who have a tradition of throwing rice as a symbol of fertility, rice-throwing along with tying cans to the car of the bride and groom, are usually seen as attempts to mimic non-Jewish wedding traditions.

In addition, making efforts to wear something old, new, borrowed, and blue, or placing money in one's shoe are seen as particularly non-Jewish superstitions. Public removal of a garter from the bride is very much a violation of Jewish ideals of modesty and the intimacy reserved solely for the bride and groom.