Frequently, up to four lists will comprise the master wedding guest list — the bride's list, groom's list, and lists from both sets of parents. The guest list is usually an important aspect of the wedding for both sets of parents to talk about.

Dividing It Up

If the wedding is to take place in the hometown of either one of the sets of parents, they may require more spaces; the family that lives farther away may need fewer since inevitably some people may not be able to travel. If the family that is not paying for the wedding truly needs more spaces at the wedding they could offer to contribute toward these extra meals. Of course, diplomacy will be very important in any negotiations between the two families. Remember that the wedding is just one day, but the two families will be connected forever.

At some less formal traditional Jewish weddings, guests who are part of the couple's or family's community but are not close enough to make the guest list are instead invited to the ceremony and for the first set of Jewish dancing. These guests are not given a place card or a seat and they are expected to leave after the first set of dancing and hors d'oeuvres. This way the wedding has lots of people and energy and more friends feel included, but costs are kept within reason.

Inviting Children

Deciding which children to invite can be especially thorny. In large families, inviting all the children can make wedding costs prohibitive. The general rule is to be consistent. When it comes to inviting children, draw clear lines between immediate and non-immediate relatives and between children above and below certain ages. This kind of consistency will help you avoid hurt feelings.

In any case, care should be taken not to hurt the feelings of anyone who is not invited. The Talmud writes that one must even be careful not to invite someone who is only being invited because you know she cannot come. In Jewish law, such scheming is considered misleading and is a form of lying. Of course, if you truly want a guest at the wedding but know he will not be able to attend, it is fine to invite him since you are not creating any false pretenses.