Steering Clear of Potential Conflicts
Weddings are wonderful for many reasons, among them that they are a time for two completely different families to plan a large party for everyone they know. Therein lies the potential for many conflicts. Expectations and traditions may differ between the families and among individuals. Both the bride and her mother often feel quite invested in the wedding planning process, but generational and individual differences may be the source of disagreement.
Making It a Good Experience
Wedding planning is notorious for setting off arguments between parent and child. Sometimes the stress causes old arguments that have nothing to do with the wedding to flare up again. In the best of situations, the wedding planning process serves as an exciting bonding experience for parent and child, bride and groom, and the two new families of mechutonim.
It is important to realize that weddings are turning points not only for the bride and groom, but also for parents, who may consciously or unconsciously see this as a joyous but possibly difficult turning point in their own lives. For some parents the marriage of their child signifies the end of one life stage — that of being solely responsible for a child. They may feel on some level that they are losing a child, or they may feel anxiety over seeing the birth of a new generation that will ultimately take over their own role as parents in the world.
Though the rabbi may not always know the family of the bride or groom well, it is often important to ask the rabbi to meet with one or both families to help them feel included in the process and to explain aspects of the wedding traditions. Do not hesitate to ask for this; it is by no means beyond a rabbi's responsibility.
It is important to have open and supportive conversation with those involved in the planning process. Be honest about feelings and generous with thanks and praise. If things get very heated sometimes the rabbi or a trusted friend of the family may be able to step in for an informal counseling session.
Pick Your Battles
It is wise for the bride and groom to decide in advance as a couple and as individuals what aspects of the wedding and its planning may ignite conflicts and to pick their battles. Though you may have lots of opinions, if you are not the main person planning the wedding, decide carefully when to express yourself.
For example, if you care a great deal about the type of music that will be played but not much about the food or who the rabbi will be, choose carefully when to put your foot down. There are almost always several people involved in the process of planning a wedding, each with different expectations and desires. If everyone is clear about their needs and preferences and even clearer about what they are willing to compromise on, the planning process will go much more smoothly. What is most important to each of you and what you can and cannot compromise on should be one of the first things you discuss when you begin to plan your wedding.
