Learning about It
Taharat hamishpacha, family purity, is historically one of the foundations of the Jewish family. Observant Jewish husbands and wives do not engage in sexual activity or things that can lead to it from the day of the month that the wife usually begins menstruating and then for seven days following cessation of bleeding, until after immersion in a mikvah.
Boundaries
Some couples cannot imagine putting boundaries on their sexual life, essentially amounting to not having sexual intercourse or other sexual activity for two weeks each month. On the other hand, many couples find that this process helps them reach a much deeper level of relationship. For two weeks each month they must interact with each other only through conversation, without being able to fall back on any physical touching.
During the nine months of pregnancy during which a woman does not menstruate, unless there is other bleeding, she and her husband will be permitted to engage in sexual activity. After the birth of the child a woman is considered a nida and not is permitted to her husband sexually for several weeks, after which she goes to the mikvah again.
The laws of Jewish family purity are a bit detailed. To keep them, one usually needs to study them, preferably with some guidance. A local Orthodox synagogue, Chabad House, or some Conservative synagogues can usually supply you with an understanding and sensitive teacher.
There are also several good books and websites from which one can learn the basics of these family purity laws and traditions and can find some answers to commonly asked questions that inevitably come up. If you are not familiar with the laws or processes of this tradition, these resources can be a good place to begin. For the names of some books and websites where you can read about and study these laws please see Appendix D.
Many women and men who have not grown up expecting to keep these laws may feel overwhelmed by the notion of separation or of bringing Jewish tradition into their bedroom. However, it is a powerful spiritual statement to see Jewish law and tradition as applying to and sanctifying even one's most intimate life.
If you find it hard to keep these laws or are nervous about trying them out, start by calling a local rabbi or mikvah and seeing if you can schedule a visit to the mikvah to see it and have someone knowledgeable explain to you the procedure for immersing. Today many mikvahs are beautifully constructed with additional whirlpools and salons to make the experience of going to the mikvah a true physical pleasure as well as a spiritual one.
If you decide to keep the laws of family purity but do not feel you can commit to keeping them fully, begin just by counting seven clean days after your period each month and going to the mikvah. The experience of the mikvah is a profound one that you may find purifying and fulfilling. Over time you and your groom can learn more about the laws of family purity and the separation of husband and wife. Learning about a Jewish commandment and tradition such as mikvah can help to make it meaningful and organic rather than uncomfortable.
How long have people been using the mikvah?
Mikvahs go back to the Bible. On the south side of the Temple Mount in Jerusalem and other places in Israel, archeologists have uncovered hundreds of mikvahs from approximately 2,000 to 3,000 years ago.
The separation and rapprochement process that brides and grooms go though and that husbands and wives experience each month can be a powerful one for your relationship. You will spend two weeks of each month cultivating your deep and intimate relationship in a nonsexual way. This is followed by a coming back together sexually and can make your sexual relationship truly about coming together as one — physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Perhaps since it is so easy for sex to become about one's own pleasure, Judaism's process of separation and rekindling intimacy can help facilitate a sexuality that is about the other person and becoming one together, rather than the fulfillment of one's own sexual pleasure.
Admittedly, the process of physicial separation and togetherness can be a challenging one. Though the two or three weeks a couple are together after being apart can make their sexual life much more powerful, it can also lead to a heightened pressure to have sex since they have only two or three weeks at a time of being accessible to each other.
Conversely, as life becomes busier and children enter the picture, husbands and wives sometimes find that they have very little time for each other and their relationship, and whatever time is left will be spent in the most heightened and physically intimate way possible. But if for two weeks a month they are not permitted to each other sexually, those few precious minutes of together time will be spent not in immediate sexual activity but in interrelating in other ways. This can lead, some couples find, to a relationship that is more multifaceted than it might have been without the laws of family purity and mikvah immersion.
If you are keeping the laws of Jewish family purity, it is important to have a rabbi you are comfortable consulting in case questions come up. Sometimes married women or brides experience some bleeding or spotting during their white days and will need to consult with a rabbi to know if additional days must be counted.
For the mikvah process to work it is important for bride and groom, or husband and wife, to talk honestly about their needs and how they are feeling about being separate and together. If you have not kept these laws before or considered it, try some of the mikvah process and check in with each other often as to how it is going for each of you. For instance, though fully observant couples do not touch at all while the wife is a nida, if you have not considered keeping these laws fully before, trying to do it all right away can lead to keeping none of it and just becoming frustrated.
Experimenting with Regular Mikvah
If you are going to try keeping the laws of nida and mikvah after your wedding night you may want to experiment with this important tradition in stages. For instance, first try not having sexual intercourse from the beginning of menstruation until after mikvah immersion. As time goes on, add some additional physical distancing such as not hugging and kissing during those two weeks and instead making specific times to talk about your lives together, dreams for the future, and spiritual life together.
Consider spending some time studying Torah together. This can be a new level of deep intellectual and emotional interaction resulting in a heightened level of respect and appreciation for each other and for Judaism. If this is not a good place to begin, change nothing in your sexual life but schedule a trip to the mikvah seven days after the end of your monthly period and grow and experiment with more from there.
Everyone is at a different place when it comes to this mitzvah, which is admittedly easier said than done. Grow into it while you study it and talk about it even before your wedding. In this way it can become an organic part of your life and your relationship, and will not feel like a burden but an adventurous spiritual path.
