Partners in Building the Future
Judaism can be very helpful in keeping a good marriage going. You and your spouse are on a mission together — it is your job to raise a Jewish family, cultivate your religious life, and make the world a better place. If you view your marriage from this perspective, you will see it as much more than just the love of two people; it is indispensable because it makes a difference to the world.
Some of the signs that a relationship needs immediate help are feelings of resentment, seeing coming home as a chore, seeing your spouse's quirks as an irritant, and cessation of sexual intimacy. In such cases a couple will need to air their feelings to each other in a safe space such as a therapist's office.
Get into the habit of making positive statements about your relationship and go back to the things you said you loved about each other before your wedding. Make a list of what you love about your spouse and review it periodically. There will always be things you don't like. He may have bad habits or do things that annoy you. He might be the complete opposite of you in some ways, and this might frustrate you. It is important to remember that it is the whole person you love.
One of the great things about being married is the time you have together as a couple, not just on dates or weekends, but living a life that is intertwined and having the sense that you are always together. In good relationships, people still feel excited to see their spouse each day even after many years of marriage, though obviously couples become more accustomed to each other and the level of immediacy of desire may not be like it was.
Though it is a cliché, the notion of never going to bed angry is a good one. It is not a hard and fast rule, but it is true that issues that cause anger will result in resentment if they are left to fester. Things that bother you about your spouse or issues between you that create tension should not be swept under the rug. Bring them into the open and deal with them.
Most people's tendency is to try to discuss the issue and air their grievances in the heat of argument. This is the worst time for it. Wait until there is a calm moment and tell your spouse how you value your relationship with her. Tell her you always want your relationship to be completely honest, and you have an issue you would like to discuss. Then bring up the issue that is bothering you. Don't blame her. Phrase the issue in terms of yourself. For instance, “I find that I feel ‘x’ when you do (or say) ‘y.’”
