As you prepare for a second marriage, it is imperative to pay special attention to the children and other family members whose daily lives will change as a result of the new union. Take great care not to make children choose sides between a new spouse and their other biological parent. Children have many fears when parents remarry. They may be afraid that a new stepparent will take away their biological parent's attention or that the new stepparent will not love them or like them enough. Sometimes children with such feelings may try to undermine their parent's budding second marriage. To address your child or children's apprehension, engage them in conversations about your relationship with their prospective stepparent. Child and family counseling can also be helpful. Tell your children what a holy thing and a mitzvah it is in Judaism to marry again, thus shifting the focus from their immediate concern to the much bigger picture.

Getting Off to a Good Start

Just as it is important for children to form a positive relationship with their parent's new spouse, it is also crucial that parents realize children have an obligation to honor both their biological parents and their stepparents. For the sake of their children, divorced parents should do their best to have a civil relationship with each other, and any new spouse must realize this. The alternative is to place one's children in the terrible situation of choosing between their biological parent and their new stepparent.

Second weddings can present complex situations with regard to the inclusion of family members, especially children, in the ceremony, the reception, and the planning process. It is important to include children — particularly younger ones — in the wedding process. If you share custody of your children with your former spouse, let him know that you plan to include your children in your wedding. Handling the matter openly can prevent children from becoming caught in the middle.

Involving Everyone

Your wedding is a kind of cover page to your marriage. Take advantage of the opportunity to include children who will be part of the blended family you are about to form. Be sure to treat your children and your future spouse's children equally and give them roles in the wedding that befit their ages and personalities so that their first experience as a new family will be a positive one.

Try involving younger children in concrete and easy parts of the planning process. Let them help make place cards or mail invitations, or give them a small appropriate role in the wedding itself. Talk them through the upcoming ceremony and reflect on its meaning and holiness. This focus on the bigger picture can help with their personal transition. Your wedding will be a time of upheaval for them, but you can help them see the holiness and the greater significance in it. This can help alleviate some of their anxiety.