How to Know if He or She Is the One
We all know that some of the signs of a good relationship — feelings of joy when you are around the other person, feeling excitement at seeing them, feeling that you can “be yourself” with them, and feeling trust between you. When we realize that the other person appreciates who we are and they will not leave the relationship without first coming to a decision about the relationship together, this is a sign of trust.
Real Life, Real Relationships
We sometimes think our relationships should be like those we see in the movies. Boy and girl meet, fall in love, there's background music, and they ride off into the sunset together. It's great for a two-hour movie, but we must be careful not to think that it's a reflection of real life or a true possibility in a real human relationship. In real relationships, couples wake up the next day and need to negotiate who will do the laundry.
Similar levels of education can be important in a marriage. Ideally, spouses should be able to discover the world, life, and each other together. In a good relationship they should be able to discuss ideas and their life's goals, direction, hopes, and dreams together. These are important parts of any good relationship.
Of course, real life does not have to take away from great relationships. In great relationships the trust and love is strong and people can learn how to negotiate without threatening to end the relationship. They can appreciate their spouse's great qualities while knowing that they, like all of us, might not be good at everything.
Sometimes men think that even if they have trouble being emotionally present they can overcome the gap between them and their partner by buying material things. Gifts in a marriage are only meaningful if they reflect a deeper relationship in which one loves and respects the other and is willing to engage in conversation, support, and a sharing of lives.
In Jewish thought, marriage is not just the official seal on a good relationship or even a sanctified ceremony. It reflects a genuine desire to give to the other person. If both people feel they have a duty to give to and support the other, if both partners feel they are doing more than their share, the marriage will work. While having our needs met is important, one should always ask not what their spouse can do for them but what they can do for their spouse.
Respect
In good relationships, spouses have a deep sense of respect for one another. While knowing their partner's challenges, they usually see their partner's strengths more clearly. This does not mean they think their partner is better than them. Instead, they appreciate that their partner is different and that as a couple they can cover a lot of bases together.
People are much more flexible than we realize, and they often change over time. It is not uncommon for couples who have been married for many years to be surprised by their spouses. The things they thought their spouse liked when they married may not be the same now. Seeing our marriages not only as perfect or made in heaven, but as an ongoing work of art makes for patient and understanding spouses.
