When Is It Time to Make It Official?
There is no hard and fast rule as to how long to date before becoming engaged, and many factors may enter into the couple's decision. In some Jewish communities there is strong emphasis on getting engaged quickly, after five to ten dates, while among others a couple might date for several months or years before deciding to become engaged. In any case, care should be taken to be sure the couple knows each other well enough and has gotten to know each other's families since they will be part of the couple's life for many years to come.
Enclosed Orthodox Communities
In Jewish communities that are insular and homogeneous, people tend to only see each other or date a few times before becoming engaged. In these Jewish communities the couple's families will often know each other already, and the man and woman who are becoming engaged will have grown up in very similar, quite traditionally observant Jewish backgrounds. Even before dating, the families or a shadchan, a matchmaker, will have “checked out” the man and woman, receiving confidential reports from their friends and families to be sure the two are compatible before they ever meet.
In more traditional Jewish circles people often meet though shadchanim. When the couple actually does get engaged or married there is usually a customary matchmaker's fee to be paid to the shadchan.
Couples such as these usually have the same religious values, the same goals, and the same picture of what they want their future family to look like. For couples from such well-defined and close-knit religious communities, though the dating period is very short, the prospects for a marriage that works well are promising. Indeed, for these couples, much of their dating process and getting to know each other revolves around thinking about and comparing notes on how they see the building of a Jewish family together.
Traditional Communities and Open Orthodox Communities
Observant or traditional Jews who are from more heterogeneous communities may need to take more time to get to know each other to be sure the proposed relationship is one that will work. More modern observant Jews are usually knowledgeable about the world and well educated in the secular realm, often attending universities and other institutions of higher general learning. Though their religious practices will be similar, couples who are not from an insular Jewish community and have spent time in the world outside a Jewish community will need more time to get to know each other to be sure that the person they are dating has similar values, goals, and outlooks. The amount of time spent together before becoming engaged in these communities will often range from several months to a year or two.
The dating process for more modern Orthodox Jews may be longer than that of their more insular orthodox brethren, but at the same time they will feel bound by traditional Jewish law, not having sex or touching intimately before marriage. This can result in some difficult tension for the couple between their Jewish commitment and their prolonged desire for each other.
Liberal Jewish Denominations
More liberal Jewish denominations have fewer rules about the process and timeline of engagement. Conservative Jews believe in conforming to Jewish law and limiting their sexual activity to marriage, perhaps encouraging a slightly faster engagement than other more liberal denominations who may or may not discourage premarital sex. In the end, though, the time spent dating before an engagement is announced is for the most part up to the couple and their family and is quite flexible among more liberal Jewish communities and denominations.
If the bride and groom hail from different Jewish communities or backgrounds altogether, the process of being sure he or she is the one may be particularly challenging. When done with forethought, care, and a willingness to learn from each other's differences, couples can build a trusting and long-lasting relationship and marriage. Some questions to ask yourselves and each other are: What religious traditions are must-haves for each of you? Which are compulsory right now and which can be grown into? Do you both have an attitude of religious growth? Can you compromise?
Sometimes understanding each other's religious life well is more important than changing your practices to be the same. In any case, couples who have different Jewish backgrounds often find that making time for Jewish study together can help each partner develop a clear view of the other's religious life and Jewish practice in general.
