Just because there are issues over which a couple argues or has difficulty negotiating before marriage does not mean their relationship is not workable. In fact, the ability to work through disagreements and communicate well can help to lay a strong foundation for a real, honest, and flexible relationship.

Getting Help

If a couple faces many issues of difficulty or they find that they have divergent values in life, love alone may not always be enough to make a relationship work. Often, though, the relationship is a good one. In such cases, a third party such as a couples counselor can help you negotiate your differences and figure out if the relationship is essentially a good one.

Professional psychotherapy or counseling is often a good choice for relationship and commitment issues. Even before marriage, engaged couples will sometimes enter short-term couples counseling to talk about and work through issues they are facing. Whether these issues concern religious differences, family conflicts, or differences in expectations, therapy can be a great help, even if it just provides a safe space in which each person can feel free to express their feelings without being criticized.

Fear of Commitment

Sometimes the issues that arise within a relationship emerge from one or both partners' fears of commitment. Such fears usually manifest themselves in other parts of a person's life also. It is not uncommon for someone to be overly indecisive about a course of study or career for fear it will lock out other options. Fear of commitment may be even more heightened when it comes to choosing a lifelong mate who will help to determine the course of — and many aspects of — one's life.

Ours is a time in which people have myriad options. Sometimes our desire to leave options open and not miss anything can be detrimental to sustaining long-term relationships. One of the great realities of life is that true depth, fulfillment, and meaning come only through limitation. With relationships, when we leave all of our options open, nothing can become deep. When we choose one relationship to be our primary one, closing the doors to others, only then can we focus deeply and nurture that one relationship into a lifelong partnership in which we become, like the Bible says, “as one person.”

Determining the Type and Severity of Marriage Anxiety

There are at least three kinds of engagement and pre-marriage anxiety. The first is the general anxiety of embarking on a new path, which usually passes with time, the support of close friends and relatives, and discussion with one's future spouse. The second is a more objective anxiety about aspects of your future spouse, her job, her family, or her character traits. You must examine these and decide whether you can live with the issues at hand without trying to change the person. The third type is a more extreme personal fear of committing to a marriage and long-term relationship. You can deal with this type of anxiety with the help of individual professional therapy or counseling focused on the sources of your fears and techniques to overcome those fears.