Since a Jewish wedding is very much a Jewish ritual with many Jewish legal aspects and traditions, if you and your fiancé come from different Jewish denominations or levels of observance, you and your families may come into conflict over certain aspects of the wedding.

Sources of Conflict

In addition to conflict with your fiancé about religious matters, you may find that your views differ from those of your own family. Even though you grew up with them, you may have grown or changed religiously and in many other ways since you were a child. Sometimes this can create conflict between the bride or groom and their own families. At times like this, it is important to realize that your parents probably want the best for you and for you to make your own path, but on some level they may feel rejected.

Many parents whose children are unlike them religiously wonder why their way was not “good enough” for you, their son or daughter. They often fear that since you are different you may reject them and become distant. Since weddings are such sensitive, public moments, people tend to be very opinionated when it comes to their planning and execution, and this can lead to conflict.

For many couples, their wedding brings to light their religious differences with each other for the first time. Making matters more complicated, a wedding is a big party in which you will both inevitably feel quite invested; at the same time, its very public nature leaves both of you — along with your personal practices, style, and Jewish path — quite exposed to all of your friends, relatives, and family members. For couples, though individuals rarely fit neatly into one Jewish classification, a little education and discussion about each other's denominations can help to make your wedding a time of showing off your life together instead of being in conflict about it.

Judaism today has several different groups that are often referred to as denominations. Some of the major Jewish denominations are Orthodox, Reform, Conservative, Reconstructionist, and Humanist. In addition to these some would also include Jewish Renewal as a denomination.

Orthodox Judaism

Using the word Orthodox as a label for a type of Judaism is new. The use of the label Orthodox began in the eighteenth century as a response to the first modern denominational break-off in Judaism, that of Reform. Some would argue that Orthodoxy is not a denomination because it never broke off from the mainstream and it lacks one central organizational body. Whatever you like to call it, Orthodoxy is the oldest form of Judaism.

For several thousand years, from the time of the destruction of the Jerusalem Temple in 70 c.e. until the late eighteenth century, there was some uniformity among the way individual Jewish communities saw their relationship to the rest of the Jewish people and to the commandments of the Torah. Though different Jewish communities had different customs, they saw the Torah and its laws as the word of God.

Though personal levels of Jewish observance might not have always been uniform, most Jewish communities and the people within them subscribed to the written Torah and the Talmud, Judaism's oral tradition. Orthodox Jews believe this tradition should remain constant and that the Judaism they practice is indeed this same Judaism that has been practiced over the past few millennia.

Orthodox Jews are observant of Jewish law as it is codified in the Shulchan Aruch, the pivotal sixteenth-century code of Jewish law written by Rabbi Yosef Cairo, and other less central codes of Jewish law. They often turn to these books for direction. The source for these codified Jewish laws is the Talmud, which is often studied by Orthodox Jews in the Jewish schools they attend from elementary school through college and daily on their own even after they are no longer in school.

Most fully observant Orthodox Jews pray three times a day, are observant of the Sabbath in a very traditional way, and will not eat foods that are not kosher or are made in kitchens that are not kosher. In addition to these basic laws, Orthodox Jews subscribe to many Jewish laws and guidelines that govern life and their spiritual path. The name for the system of Jewish law that Jews subscribe to is halacha, which literally means “the way.”

If one or both members of the couple are Orthodox Jews they will probably want a very traditional wedding ceremony. This would include most of the blessings being said by males and several of the witnesses to be male also. They will probably want the blessings to be said in Hebrew, with or without translation into English, and for the dancing at the wedding to be Jewish and to be primarily separated by gender.

Conservative Judaism

Conservative Judaism began in the late nineteenth century in Germany and grew on American shores during the first half of the twentieth century. It was originally formulated to “conserve” Judaism, first against the tide of change within Reform Judaism and later for an American population that was quickly assimilating into secular American culture. The Conservative movement believes that the Jewish people are bound by halacha but that the law can be consciously changed through a voting process by the Conservative movement's Committee on Law and Standards to fit the society in which it is practiced. Though a law might be set down in the Talmud, it can be changed to fit modern mores.

If you or your fiancé is conservative, you will probably require a fairly traditional Jewish wedding performed by a rabbi with or without a cantor. You will probably desire a mix of men and women to recite the blessings and prayers and to act as witnesses. You might not need all of the music to be Jewish and will probably be comfortable with mixed-gender dancing.

In practice, however, as with most groups there is much diversity of observance among Conservative Jews. The bride and groom should discuss in depth what they will require and be comfortable with before the planning starts.

Reform Judaism

Historically, the first denominational break from traditional Judaism in the modern period was Reform Judaism, which had its beginnings in late-eighteenth-century Germany during the European enlightenment. The early Reformers were learned Jews who changed their beliefs about the Bible's origin through their study of biblical criticism. They also felt that Jewish people needed to be less insular and more like the surrounding German culture both in their personal religious lives and in their synagogues. In an attempt to make Judaism in the early 1800s more attractive and accessible to Jewish people, the early Reform movement made such changes as the use of organs in the synagogue, replacing the Hebrew language of prayer with German, and declaring their country of Germany the new Zion in place of Jewish hopes for restoration to the Land of Israel.

Though Reform Judaism today has become increasingly more traditional, it is very much a liberal movement in which there is a great deal of leeway with regard to weddings. Though Reform and Reconstructionist weddings often use the outline of a traditional Jewish wedding, there are few Jewish legal requirements, and the bride and groom can usually adjust these rituals to fit their particular spiritual sensibilities.

Reconstructionism and Humanism

Reconstructionism and Humanism are the most recent Jewish denominations. Both had their start in the United States in the twentieth century. Reconstructionism is based on the ideas of Mordechai Kaplan and established its rabbinical school in the late 1960s. Reconstructionist Jews see Judaism as a culture and a civilization and are usually quite liberal with regard to Jewish beliefs. At the same time, they tend to incorporate many traditional Jewish practices and mitzvoth. While Reconstructionist Jews would probably utilize various Jewish wedding traditions, if a ketubah is used it would be a creative one of the couple's own choosing.

Humanistic Judaism

Humanistic Jews see Jewish practices and traditions as the accumulated cultural ways of the Jewish people. Judaism is human-centered, and God is not seen as playing an active role. While humanistic Jews might utilize certain Jewish practices in a wedding such as a Hebrew blessing and a chuppah, the form, structure, and content of the wedding would be entirely up to the feelings and desires of the couple.