True love is experienced in a long-term relationship as both love and hate. That's because people are extremely complicated beings, and in marriage a person often projects his internal feelings upon his partner.

For example, if a woman is feeling unappreciated in her marriage, she may fantasize about how much better it might be with someone new. Instead of owning her frustrations and desires, she may then project these feelings onto her husband, and accuse him of going elsewhere for intimate companionship when nothing of the kind has taken place.

Projection is a normal dynamic in close relationships. The goal in marriage is not to eradicate projections. Rather it is to recognize them for what they are: your feelings put on another. Once you own your feelings as yours, not his, you can sort out what's really going on. Remember, it's a natural, necessary process to do this sorting-out on a regular basis.

For as long as the two of you remain married, you are each other's lover, principal companion, sounding board, coparent, and householder. That's an enormous amount to have invested in another human being.

This doesn't mean you don't have to maintain a healthy boundary between the two of you. You do, and this ability requires equal parts self-knowledge and active communication between partners. It's also important to understand that you can't satisfy all of your partner's needs.

For that matter, it's usually better for this not to be the case, that is, to be a couple in a wider community of family and friends. Trust in marriage comes from the belief that each of you is there to stay and are equally committed to working on those issues that are hurting the relationship.

Commitment Has Many Sides

If two people stay married long enough they realize that long-term marriage challenges them in ways they would never have considered. As the old story goes, when a famous person was once asked if he had ever considered divorce, he replied, “Divorce no, murder yes.” So, you may wonder, how can anyone possibly hold onto his trust for a spouse in such perilous terrain?

Commitment is what keeps you in the game, especially when your temporarily hurt or angry feelings may shout, “You're in grave danger, get out!”

Being in love brings wonderful physical sensations and feelings, but mature love is not a feeling that comes and goes. Mature love does not define itself by a temporary emotion. Love is more permanent, and that is why marital love must be a commitment based on a rational decision two people make before they marry. Without this solid commitment, most marriages will not last one year. Commitment is the essential foundation of marital trust.