Most often, it's the unconscious, unspoken conditions people set for the marriage and each other that get relationships into trouble: The man who believes that being married means he'll never feel lonely, or the woman who depends on her husband's compliments in order to feel good about herself, or anyone who believes that being married means you'll always get sex when you want it.

Sometimes the only way to discover which unconscious projections or unspoken agreements may be operating in your relationship is by paying attention to the issues you tend to fight about most often.

For example, when a woman habitually feels unappreciated, it may be a signal that she's projecting her unhappiness onto her husband, particularly when, if she doesn't get a compliment, she then finds her day “ruined.” Of course any relationship takes two, and given the habitual quality of this husband-and-wife dynamic, one wonders if he is more of a nonverbal person, not given to saying what he thinks or feels, or, alternately, whether this husband may have unexpressed anger toward his wife that he's acting out by withholding the common courtesy of expressing appreciation.

As you can see, just because these two spouses have a running argument about expressing appreciation, their fights can only serve as red flags. If the partners want to get to the bottom of this conflict, they will have to take a closer look at the dynamics involved, perhaps with the help of a third party. As any marriage therapist will concur, problems in marriages are not always what they appear on the surface.

This is why regular check-ins and emotional honesty are so important for couples if they are going to navigate the tricky waters of emotional boundaries in marriage. If they can't get to harmony on their own, then they should consider visiting a therapist for assistance.

The Importance of Making Clear Agreements

Any relationship dynamic from the outside can be given a simplistic analysis. For example: the man who won't accompany his wife to the party is being selfish and withholding. But one could just as easily conclude that this man's wife is being self-centered since she knows he doesn't want to go to the party. Had she even considered going without him? What is or isn't true in this situation depends entirely on the agreements this couple has or hasn't made — assuming they've ever made agreements about socializing together and apart.

If this couple has discussed the topic of their social lives, each may agree that it is acceptable to socialize separately. Or, they agree that it's okay to go out separately other nights but they'll always socialize together on Saturday nights. Another problem ensues if the wife makes this single incident a test of her husband's love…. “If he really loved me, he'd put aside his other feelings and come to the party.” This and many other common marital dilemmas can be averted or minimized if the two partners sit down and make boundaries and agreements a regular topic of discussion.